On February 20 & 21, we attended our third One Marriage Conference at Free Chapel.
Shout out to some seriously awesome grandparents who are ALWAYS more than willing to spend time with our sweet Jase so Jon & I can have time together. (Nothing like “fixing the roof while it's not raining.") Jase absolutely ADORES all of his grandparents and we are so, so thankful to have them as such a huge part of his life.
This year the theme of the conference was “Better Together” and Dr. Gary Chapman (author of The Five Love Languages) was the guest speaker. I could not WAIT to hear him share and he definitely did not disappoint.
Here are the notes from previous years we have attended.
We REALLY wanted to go in 2013 when Jimmy & Karen Evans were there because we love them, but we had plans and couldn’t make it. I did find this 2013 Recap Video, & my friend Donna gave me a replay of the whole weekend.
For this year’s conference, Jon and I went on a dinner date on Friday night before the first session. Jentzen usually opens it up and we really, really enjoy hearing him share. He is hilarious, real, super relatable, and he preaches the Word. We headed out immediately after the session (even though they have a fun little after party) because it was starting to ice/sleet. We didn’t want the roads to get too bad before Jon’s parents headed home from watching Jase for us.
Here are my notes from each of the sessions from the weekend. I’m sure there were tons of other great nuggets, but this is what stood out to me the most.
Session 1 (Jentzen Franklin):
Jentzen talked specifically about protecting your marriage from adultery. I wrote a blog post on this topic a while back because I am so passionate about godly marriages and families. (You can read it here.)
“Thou shalt not commit adultery.” –Exodus 20:14
“Ye have heard that it was said, Thou shalt not commit adultery: but I say unto you, that every one that looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” –Matthew 5:27-28
- Adultery begins in the imagination. Satan cannot get you in the bed till he gets in your head.
- Guard your mouth. You can bury a marriage with a lot of little digs.
- There is no such thing as a perfect marriage because we are imperfect people.
- Even if you don’t always see eye to eye with your spouse, commit to always walk hand in hand.
- Solid, adultery-proof marriages are built on the 4 Rs:
- The 4 hardest statements to make in marriage are the 4 you need to make part of your vocabulary and use most frequently.
- “I was wrong.”
- “I’m sorry.”
- “Please forgive me.”
- “I need your help to not do that anymore.”
- Focus on fixing the problem, not the blame. So many times we are too busy blaming others to get to the root of the problem.
- If there was more courting in the world there would be less marriages in court. DATE YOUR SPOUSE.
- If you want your husband to treat you like a queen, treat him like a king.
- Trying times are not the times to stop trying.
- If you want to have a strong marriage, it has to be built on the ROCK….not on sand. Each must focus on their own relationship with Christ. Pray together.
Saturday morning we met my mom to watch Jase. We went to Panera for lunch and even had time to head home so I could sneak in a 30 minute nap before the final session. We have both read The Five Love Languages, and I have to be honest….I feel like this is one of the most powerful keys to successful relationships as well as one of the number one reasons relationships fail. And not just smarriages! Friendships, raising children, siblings/family, etc. Learning to speak others’ love language is crucial in helping others feel loved. Here is a link to the quiz and a little more in depth about each of the 5 love languages. You can take the test yourself, have your spouse take it, and they even have one for children. (Yes, our kids have a love language, and figuring that out is important in helping them feel LOVED and learn to thrive).
Session 2 (Dr. Gary Chapman):
- Marriages are either getting better or worse. They don’t stand still.
- HOW we LOVE is the most important thing about us. God even gave non-believers the right to judge us by how we love. It’s how the world knows we are His.
- The experience of falling in love: Love is a feeling. Falling in love is an emotional obsession.
- The average “high” of the “in love” experience is 2 years.
- Love is an attitude. “I choose to look out for your best interest.”
- Love is an emotional need. Every child/adult has a love tank.
- What makes one person feel loved is no what makes another person feel loved.
- You have to express love in the way your spouse wants to be shown.
- LOVE LANGUAGES:
- Words of affirmation: 1 Cor 8:1 - Love builds up. Life and death in the power of the tongue.
- Gifts: Ephesians 5
- Acts of Service: “Actions speak louder than words.” (although not true for everyone)
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Each of us has a primary love language.
- Rarely do a husband and wife have the same primary love language.
- Sometimes we have the same love language but speak different dialects.
- By nature, we speak our own love language.
- LOVE is something you do for others, not for yourself.
- When your spouse complains, they are telling you their love language. Their requests tell you their love language.
- By nature we are self-centered.
- Think of the visual of Jesus washing the feet of His disciples. “Be a leader that leads by serving.”
- The problem in your marriage is that you don’t have the attitude of Christ in your marriage.
- Learn to ask:
- What can I do to help you?
- How can I make your life easier?
- How can I be a better wife?
- God didn’t ordain marriage to make people miserable. “Two are better than one.”
- We haven’t reached non-believers because marriages are miserable.
The final session was my favorite. I had never heard of the apology languages, but it makes so much sense and is 100% true. There is more info about that on this site too.
Session 3 (Dr. Gary Chapman):
- 2 Essentials of Successful Relationships
- The individuals feel loved and appreciated.
- Deal effectively with their failures.
- APOLOGIZING & FORGIVENESS are crucial.
- Proverbs 28:13, Isaiah 59:2, Matthew 5:23-24, Luke 15:21, 1 John 1:9
- Where do we learn to apologize? From our parents.
- 10% of the general population never apologizes.
- What does a sincere apology look like? After 2 years of research, Dr. Chapman determined there are 5 ways people apologize (5 languages of apology):
- Expressing regret. (I’m sorry that…) Psalm 51:17 “broken & contrite spirit”
- Accepting Responsibility. (What I did was wrong…)
- Making Restitution. (What can I do to make this right?) Luke 19:8
- Genuinely Repenting (A desire to change…I don’t want to keep doing this.) Acts 2:38
- Requesting Forgiveness. (Will you forgive me?) Psalm 51
- Each of us has a primary apology language. Learn to speak another person’s apology language.
- When I apologize, what do I typically say/do?
- What hurts me the most deeply about this situation?
- What could they say/do to make it easier to forgive?
- If you’re the one that is offended, forgive the same way God has forgiven you. (Eph 4:32)
- What forgiveness does not do:
*Forgiveness does not destroy our memory.
*Forgiveness does not remove all painful emotions.
*Forgiveness does not remove the consequences of sin.
*Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. (It opens the door to partially trust again.)
*Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation.
- What if they don’t apologize?
- We lovingly confront. (Luke 17, Matthew 18:15-17)
- We release the person to God. (1 Peter 2:23, 2 Timothy 4:14-15) God doesn’t forgive when we are living in sin.
- We pray for them and stand ready to forgive.
- Return good for evil. (Let God handle it. Romans 12:19-21)
Anger is meant to be a visitor, NOT a resident. Get rid of it before night.
Here is a link to the One Marriage Conference FB page & tickets for the 2016 conference. Friends, even if it’s not this one, INVEST in your marriage. There aren’t many more important things this side of Heaven.