Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The 5 Love Languages

I recently bought The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman. It was $14.99 at Target.

Here is the official website.

I know lots of couples that have done this, and I’ve actually taken the test before to see what my love languages are just for fun. I could have guessed them without even taking the test though, to be honest.


Anyway, I got to thinking a couple weeks ago after my friend Crissy mentioned wanting to get it…This whole concept REALLY makes sense to me, so I decided it was worth the buy. I mean really, if you think about it, many of us are not showing love the way our spouse would prefer, and in turn, we feel unappreciated.  We also feel “unloved” when our spouse isn’t showing us love in the way we would like. I think this simple miscommunication causes a lot of issues in marriages.


My mom and I were just talking about this a few days ago too. My dad is DEFINITELY an acts of service and gifts kind of guy  He does a TON to help her around the house, and he buys her things (like a new car, even when she REALLY did not want one!)- because that’s his ways of showing her love. Mom recognizes that and appreciates it because she knows his intentions, even if that’s not her preference. She doesn’t want to seem ungrateful, but gifts don’t mean much to her. I think I’m going to hook them up with a copy. They’ve been married for 43 years (and going strong!), but really, he could benefit from knowing that even though he is trying to be helpful, she doesn’t like it when he washes her clothes for her (because he mixes whites with colors- haha!). And she could serve him even better as well if she knew his love languages and worked to show her love in those ways.Nashville 015

I haven’t read it yet, but tonight Jonathan and I took the quizzes/surveys. We read them aloud, and it was interesting that we could both pretty much guess how the other person was going to answer on their preferences.

Here are the 5…

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Physical Touch
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service

I KNEW before taking the test that my top 2 (ways that I like for people to show me they love me) are words of affirmation and acts of service. The interesting thing about that is that the #1 way I SHOW my love for others is through gifts. I LOVE to give!!!!! You would think I’d show others the way I like to be shown…..but I don’t.

Here were my top 5 ways I like to be shown love, in order:

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  1. Words of Affirmation (I had the highest possible score on this)
  2. Acts of Service
  3. Quality Time
  4. Receiving Gifts
  5. Physical Touch

And Big Jon’s top 5 are:

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  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Physical Touch
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Receiving Gifts

Like I said, I tend to show love through gifts and acts of service. I like to DO things for him and buy him things all the time. I always make sure the house is always stocked with snacks he likes, and I randomly buy him little things all the time. (Like a bathing suit, new t-shirt, or fill his truck up with gas, for example). I pack his lunch every day and I keep the house really clean (although that is mostly for me!). I’m AWESOME at speaking words of affirmation about him to others (because I seriously think he is the freakin’ MAN and the best husband EVER), but I am TERRIBLE at telling HIM those same things (unless I write it to him in a note or text, which I do often, but it’s NOT the same!). I’m also bad about making time for him. I stay super busy and keep a packed schedule, but he NEEDS to be my top TIME priority!! {It does not count when we are sitting at the table together if I am reading/writing blogs or pinning away on Pinterest.}

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When it comes to acts of service, he ROCKS that one out big time. He does so, SO much for me, I can’t even begin to name it all. Everyone who knows us knows how much he does for me…really, I’m ridiculously spoiled. As far as my whole “words of affirmation,” I definitely love that (obviously)….but it means even more to me when Jonathan speaks highly of me to other people than when he says it directly to me. Weird? Yea, maybe. That’s why I do that for him I guess…because that’s what I would prefer. But that doesn’t mean he is the same way as me, and that was a great reminder. We tend to do things for others the way we want things down for us….but that’s not always best. (Even though it’s the Golden Rule, and it is a great rule of thumb in most situations, I don’t think it is the most applicable “rule” concerning how to treat your spouse. You get what I’m sayin’, right?)


This doesn’t mean we’re incompatible. In fact, we  both feel like we have a really GREAT marriage. And obviously so do my parents, who are going on 43 rockin’ years!! But, there is always, always room for improvement. (Especially from me….I’m so stinkin’ hard headed!)

It just means we need to both be more aware of HOW to show each other love in a way that the other would be most responsive to and appreciate the most.  I think this reminder was GREAT for us both and I am really looking forward to reading the book and trying to implement some of these ideas. Really, we both are striving to show each other how much we love one another all the time (and in our own minds we are doing a JAM UP job), but man, how much could we improve our marriage if we were aware of HOW the other person shows love and wants to be shown love?!?!

I know I have lots of work to do to shift my mindset about how I show love. I know it will help Big Jon FEEL more loved, so even though it’s not my natural ways of showing love, it’s definitely worth the effort. I also think it was a good eye opener for him to see that I feel like I am showing him how much I love him when I do little things like make him breakfast, pack his lunch, or buy him an electronic toothbrush. (Hahaha, sound silly, but I LOVE mine, so I hooked him up too.)

Marriage is definitely life’s greatest blessing, but it also takes WORK. It takes compromising, sacrifice, effort, and communication.


What do you think is your top love language?

What about your spouse??

Do you like to be shown love differently than you like to give it?


Danielle said...

A friend of mine bought this book for Josh and I a few years back - she said she loved it and that she thought it was a great gift to give to other couples. Sad to say I have never read it - but I know exactly where it is on my bookshelf.... I might just pull it out tomorrow and take a peek :)

Mama’s Minute said...

Great post! Ryan and I did this two years ago and found out that we had the same top two love languages! Weird!! We both are words of affirmation and physical touch!

Love this post! You all are wonderful!

Mama’s Minute said...

Great post! Ryan and I did this two years ago to find that we had the same love languages! We are both physical touch and words of affirmation! Cool hah? :)

I love that you all focus on your marriage so much! It's definitely a gift from God to love one person so much!

Tiffany said...

This is on my list of books to read this summer. One of my friends got married last summer and the priest talked about the couples top love languages, it was a really beautiful addition to the wedding ceremony. I think my top love language would be words of affirmation. said...

Danielle - great article! Would love to talk about the possibility of you contributing on If you are interested, simply visit the website and click on the "write" tab. Fill out the form and mention that you were asked to submit by SMR.

Warm Regards, Team

Anna Catherine said...

This is one of the first books I found free one week on Amazon after I received my Kindle. It was facinating to me. I realized my love language is quality time. I love just talking, getting to know somoeone better, finding out more about them, and it makes me feel loved if they want to take the time to find out more about me. I'm more likely to clean if someone is sitting in the kitchen talking to me, weird, I know. Like you, I love to give, and there is nothing I enjoy more than giving someone a surprise gift or something they have been wanting. Once you start reading the book, the stories of how it transformed marriages are amazing. If I'm every blessed enough to marry, I want to read it again with my spouse.

Curly Pink Runner said...

The concept of the 5 Love Languages is so amazing!! My parents read this book many years ago and taught us kids about Love Languages.
Identifying what makes another person feel most loved, and showing love to them in that way makes a HUGE difference in any relationship!
I think it's funny because my Love Languages are the EXACT same as yours! And, I also show love through gifts! Which is SO weird because I really could not care less when people give me a gift but I am ALWAYS buying gifts for my family and friends, even strangers!! :)

Jamie said...

We did this study in our Sunday school class last year :)

My love language is quality time...I just LOVE being with my hubby!