Monday, July 2, 2012

Being a Godly Wife

A few weeks ago, our preacher asked us to come mentor and share with a young couple during one of their marriage counseling sessions. He had several couples in various stages of their marriage come in, and we were the "newlywed" couple. Isn't that a great idea?
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I was very humbled and honored, but honestly, I felt very unworthy. I know a LOT of the right things to say. I have sat under some incredible teaching on marriage. I have been part of some awesome Bible studies, been mentored by some phenomenal women of the Lord, and been taught what it means to be a Godly wife. But, there are still a LOT of areas I really, REALLY need to work on and improve so I can be a better wife to Jonathan. I know that nobody is perfect, but there are so many areas where I fall short. 

Here are some things I shared that I also plan to REALLY start refocusing on in my own marriage so I can be a better wife. I have a feeling this post will not go over very well with a lot of people, as I know these are not popular thoughts (especially in today’s society). However, they are Biblical truths, and as believers, we are to adhere to the WORD and not to this world’s standards. So, I’m going to share what’s on my heart about being a Godly wife. I’m mostly writing this as a reminder to myself anyway. Whether you are dating, engaged, a newlywed, or have been married for years, these principles can help you be a more Godly wife when the time comes. (Obviously marriage is a two way street and the husband has his own extremely important roles in marriage to make it successful. This is simply focusing on what the Bible says about being a godly wife.)

I guess I should really start this out as a letter to myself. So here goes.

Dear Danielle,

1. Keep God first, your husband second.
Your relationship with the Lord should ALWAYS take priority in your life, and you should always be striving to seek Him. When you do that, the rest of your priorities are more likely to be in order. Make time for quiet time, reading the Word, and spending time in prayer so you can have the right heart and attitude throughout the day. And notice who comes second. Not you (selfish). Not your parents, family, friends, kids, job, hobbies, etc. Your HUSBAND is next. God wants it that way for a reason. A lot of households are out of order because lots of wives put their children before their spouse, and that is not the way that God designed the family. Eventually, children leave. God entrusts them with us temporarily to raise up in a Godly home, so they can go out and multiply and do the same. But that’s just it…they leave, and you are left with your spouse. That’s why so many marriages crumble when the kids are grown; couples lose sight of focusing on their own relationship and marriage and make the kids the sole priority. Kids LOVE to see their parents in love (even if they act like they don’t). It is really beneficial for them to see displays of affection and parents honoring one another and putting one another first. It teaches them the foundations of marriage so they will hopefully duplicate that healthy relationship in the future. It is our job to set a Godly example of marriage for our kids and model for them the type of marriage we hope for them to have. Be the kind of wife you want your daughter to be, and the kind of wife you want your son to marry.
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2. Understand the covenant.
Marriage is not a promise, a contract, an agreement, or anything temporary. It is a covenant, and covenants are NOT to be broken. When you say your vows, you are vowing not only to your husband, but also to God and before Him. I have a copy of our wedding vows in my Bible, and I pull them out and read them sometimes. It’s such a good reminder. The Bible says it is better to not make a vow at all than to make a vow to God and break it. In a society where divorce is the easy answer and common practice, we seem to have lost the understanding of the seriousness of marriage. It is not meant to be a rash decision made based on emotions or feelings. And divorce is not an easy way out like we think it is. God developed marriage, and it is so precious to Him. (That is exactly why Satan wants to attack the sanctity of marriage and destroy the family unit.) God chose your spouse for you before you were even born. He hand-picked that person especially for you, and you especially for him! Is that not the coolest thing?? (I seriously tear up every time I think about that!) That is why I always teach my SS girls they don’t have to go out seeking a spouse. If they stay in His will, He will put that person RIGHT in your path. That’s how so many of us end up with ‘baggage’ and regrets….we try to force our own future rather than trusting God and His perfect timing. Now, does that mean it’s going to be easy?  No. Marriage takes commitment, work, selflessness, and lots of grace and forgiveness. God expects us to put effort into our marriage. It is a gift from him, and we should treasure that by taking exceptional care of it. When things get tough, that’s time to cling to Him, the Word, and each other. Not time to bail.
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3. Submit.
Oh boy, here we go. I can remember being a little girl (probably middle school age) and  hearing someone tell me the Scripture in Ephesians that calls women to submit to their husbands. My reaction then was much like most women and like the world’s view of submission. I remember saying “There is NO WAY I’m going to be some man’s slave and stay at home and cook and clean for him!” It was not until I sat through a Bible study on the book of Ephesians that I truly understood submission. Submission is not meant for bad…it’s meant to give us more freedom actually. We have such a negative connotation of the word because we do not fully understand it. We are called to submit to our husbands as to the Lord. (This does not mean we are a door mat or should tolerate abuse of any kind. That is not at all what submission means.) Another reason our households are so out of order is because so many women are trying to rule the roost and wear the pants in their relationship. That is not how we’re made or equipped. Even if you have a ‘stronger’ personality than your husband, HE is still called to be the leader of your home. This is how I was taught, and this visual clicked and made perfect sense. The husband’s job is to be the spiritual leader of the home…..to protect from the enemy and to provide for the family. He is to stand in the doorway of the home with the whole armor of God on to keep the enemy out. The wife’s job is to be inside the home, supporting her husband by managing the household and praying for him. God did not equip women to fulfill the man’s role, and vice versa. I know we live in a very feminist society, and I am not saying we’re not meant to be 50/50. (Actually, I believe marriage is 100/100!). Jonathan helps me out around the house a lot, and I also contribute financially. We make decisions together. We just need to understand God equipped each of us to have a role within marriage and the family, and when one is trying to serve in the other’s role, things are out of whack from the way God designed it to be.
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4. Speak edifying words only.
Women are the world’s worst to get together and “husband bash” …and almost have a competition to see whose hubby has the worst faults. It is NOT acceptable to talk negatively about your husband to others. No excuses. We should always speak edifying words about him and be building him up to others (even if there are things about him that drive you BONKERS!!). Now don't get me wrong. There will be issues, and I do believe in communicating to your husband openly about that (see # 7) after praying first. I just know that it is so tempting to get sucked into complaining about things our hubbies do or don't do to others. YES, all of our men do things we may not love. However, by nagging them or complaining to our girlfriends about it, that is NOT going to bring about change. We especially have to be careful talking negatively about our spouse to our family because it can change their opinion of them, and there is no undoing that. Sometimes we just may be mad temporarily, but that is not something they can erase from our family's minds as easily. Always, always talk to God about it before you open your mouth to anyone else. Lots of times you’ll see that is enough “venting” to make you feel better. Do not tear your husband down to his face or behind his back. And on that note, it IS okay to PRAISE your husband. If he works hard, let him know you appreciate it. If you love that he always makes your coffee, give him some praise for that. If he’s an AWESOME dad, let him know you think so. Whatever it is that you love or appreciate about him, TELL HIM. (It’s funny how that works…men seem to thrive off praise and it makes them want to do more good things for you!) The Bible tells us our words either bring life or death. Speak LIFE over our husband.

5. Manage the home like the Proverbs 31 woman.
Learn this Scripture. Study it. Meditate on it. Strive to be like the woman described in this passage. Ask the Lord to reveal you what each of these things may look like in your life. We are called to be the managers of our home, and the atmosphere of our homes is often determined by our attitudes, words, actions, and reactions. 

6. Do it anyway.
There are lots of things we don’t want to do, and even though we enter into marriage claiming unconditional love, our actions reflect a very conditional basis. We want to cook him dinner when he does nice things for us first. We only want to compliment him when he compliments us. If he doesn’t do this, we won’t do this….That’s not how it works. Your husband may not always be fulfilling his role, but that is between him and God. It i s NOT our job as wives to correct or discipline our husband. We are created to be his help meet; not his Holy Spirit; not his mama. We are his wife. His companion. You should do things for your husband because he is your husband, NOT because of things he is or isn’t doing for you. Of course it’s easier to want to do nice things for him when he seems to notice and appreciate them, but he may not. Do them anyway, because ultimately you are seeking to please the Lord, so think of it as being obedient in serving the Lord if nothing else. Serving your husband on a conditional basis is selfish and immature, and that does not honor or glorify God in any way. Our role as a wife is ultimately to bring God glory through our marriage, so we must choose to to view that responsibility as if we are working for the Lord. 

7. Communicate.
He is not a mind reader, and it’s not fair to expect him to know or understand your wants/needs or what you’re thinking if you don’t TELL HIM. This is such a simple concept, but so many disagreements result from a lack of communication. Learn to communicate with him. Ask him questions. Listen. And don’t nag/fuss/yell. (That wont accomplish much anyway other than driving a wedge between you.) TALK. Like a normal person. We also need to put the phones/laptops down to acknowledge him when he is talking. Don't we like that type of respect demonstrated for us?
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8. Remember the 80/20 principle.
Do not put yourself in compromising positions. PROTECT your marriage. There is no reason to ever be alone with anyone of the opposite sex. Be careful with social media and be cautious in friendships. The grass may be greener on the other side, but that’s because it’s being fertilized with poo. You married your spouse because he probably had about 80% of the qualities you wanted in a man. Lots of affairs happen because people are seeking to find someone else to fulfill that 20% their spouse is lacking, and they don’t realize the 80% they are throwing away in doing that! If you will focus on building up your husband for that 80% and focus on his STRENGTHS (rather than focusing on the 20% & weaknesses….nagging, trying to change him, etc.), you will both be SO much happier. Be content with what you have. It’s all about your attitude and perspective…think about what you are choosing to focus on. If you are constantly telling him things he is doing wrong and things you wish he’d change or do differently, you are tearing him down. It may help to write out all the things you love about your husband. If you don’t have a very long list, maybe you should blame that on the person in the mirror. After all, you’re the one who married him, right?
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9. Strive to please him.
This is tough for us girls too. We tend to be self-centered and are more concerned about if our husbands are "meeting our needs." We think we ‘deserve’ so many things.  Imagine how happy it would make your husband if you tried to cook meals he likes, talk about and take interest in things that interest him, and do things with him that he likes to do. He would probably be tickled to death!! Yes, you may HATE watching basketball, but that’s not the point. The point is the man you love loves watching it. When you are willing to sacrifice with the small things like that, I truly believe that helps his love grow deeper for you and it will return tenfold in some way. This also means taking care of yourself. Exercise, eat healthy, and try to dress up for him sometimes. No, I’m not saying you have to be a little trophy wife, but if you take care of yourself, you’ll feel more confident and desirable, and you will both benefit from that. Lots of women “let themselves go” after getting married and having kids. (I know, lots of husbands do that too…I don’t think that’s okay for them either). I want to take care of myself for Jonathan.

10. Cover him in prayer.
We should pray for our husband every.single.day. No excuses, ever.  He NEEDS your prayer. Think again about his role as the head of the household. Since marriage is so sacred to God, you know the enemy is going to be constantly trying to attack, which means our husband is constantly battling spiritual warfare. He needs for you to cover him in prayer daily to help him stay strong. Pray for his thoughts, his mind, his attitude, his relationship with the Lord, etc. If there is something you would like to see change in your husband, start asking God to do a work in his life. Prayer is POWERFUL. I take my role in praying for Jonathan very seriously and I make sure he knows that.

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I truly believe if we focus on being the BEST wives we can be for our husbands, God will honor that and your husband will step his game up as well. Even if he doesn’t, our goal should be to live a life that is holy and pleasing to the Lord. If nothing else, do it out of obedience to Him.

Praying the Lord will bless you in your marriage.

Any advice you’d like to share?

Anything you’ve learned about being a Godly wife??

686 comments:

  1. What an excellent post. That was exactly what I needed to hear today.

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  2. Beautiful! I think you are spot on! Our husbands are priceless. I always tell Ryan that I don't know what I would do without him. He is my backbone, what makes me a better person, and I want nothin more than to do that for him. A great tool for marriages, young and old, is "Love and Respect".

    Love you!

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    1. I second that! This was great and the "Love and Respect" tools are great for all couples! Also, knowing your spouses love language so you will better know how they desire to be shown love. :)

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    2. Husbands need us to support them and love them. If we pray for them and set a wonderful example everyone will benifit.

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  3. Thanks girl! I needed to read this!! It really hit close to home since it starts out dear Danielle!

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  4. Number 7 is number 1 for us! Open communication is SO SO important, it's how Josh and I have been able to stay together for over 13 years - so I am a FIRM believer that communication is key. I have tried to write so many blogs on it, but alway delete them because they end up sounding like I'm telling people how they should live... but with communication comes trust and honesty. People have literally been amazed at my trust in Josh to go out to a bar with a bunch of his single friends when we were in college and I didn't care - because I trusted him and knew that with our communication, that he would tell me what happened the night before. :)

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  5. This post was such a blessing to me - thank you! My Fiance and I are getting married in 26 days, and today is our last session of Premarital counseling :) Each one of these points are so important to being a Godly Wife, and daily lifting our husbands up. Thank you!

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  6. This is an incredible post. Thank you for sharing your heart and Gods desire for us. Truly a blessing I came across this.

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  7. What an incredible post. Thank you for sharing your heart and Gods desire for us. Truly a blessing I came across this!

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  8. as a single gal, waiting for the good Lord to bless me with the man he designed for me...i love to read posts such as this one. this season of singleness can be difficult at times, but i'm patiently waiting :) i take to heart everything you said and i'm so glad my mama taught me these thing too! thank you for such a beautiful and inspiring post!

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  9. I am definitely saving this post under my Favorites! I am always striving to be a better wife, and absolutely love what you have shared. Thanks so much!

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  10. Danielle, I love this post. It's not only fitting for me as an engaged - wife - to - soon - be, but as a woman striving to stay in God's plan for me.

    My life group is doing The Resolution for Women and it's like a perfect storm between group, what God's teaching me and this post!

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  11. Thank you for standing up for what you know to be right. This post was beautiful and very open. Praying for this guidence to reach all those in need. God Bless!

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  12. Your post was simple, easily understood and matter of fact....That speaks volumes in Honesty...I have throughly enjoyed reading this , shared to me by another FB Friend...These are values I strive for everyday...Accepting I nor My husband are perfect, we learn from the shortfalls, there is always scripture to back it up...And living in a not so perfect world, gives me more reason to look forward to a new day with the man God chose for me, to Shine a little brighter,strive a little harder,love a little deeper and pray more often....Together, Our coveant is Perfect... :o)

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  13. what a lovely post. i really enjoyed it. :) i found your blog while searching for advocare info. and i LOVE it.

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  14. I agree with everything you wrote! I think it gets hard though- marriage is full of ups and downs- peaks and valleys. I cannot stress enough the importance of putting God FIRST in your marriage and I think you spelled that out wonderfully. There is a book called "Sacred Marriage" that poses the question- that what if the purpose of marriage is not supposed to make you "happy" but "holy"? (not that you can't be happy too!) Its an UNBELIEVABLE read. I am currently going through a crisis in my marriage. My husband had an affair and I caught him 4 months ago. We are separated and have two children together. This is what I know: 1) Our God is an awesome God and He has a plan. 2) We are ALL sinners and the enemy tells us lies continually that we must always be on guard to fight against. 3) True repentance calls for true forgiveness. Marriage is about being in a CONSTANT state of repentance and forgiveness from the smallest things to the biggest. Die to yourself daily. I wouldn't wish the pain and anguish of the destruction that is going on in my family- on anyone. It is absolutely truly devastating- but I do have hope that the Lord can use all things for good! Just remember - to anyone reading this- your marriage is THE most important relationship you will have on this earth outside of your relationship with Jesus Christ. Do not take that for granted and do not think you are invincible to sin. Work at it constantly and strive to be content in all circumstances!

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    1. I know a small bit of your pain. My husband had an affair after our first year of marriage. I stuck by him and forgave him, and for a long time after would throw it in his face when I got mad. BAD IDEA by the way! I have learned not to bring it up, I have forgiven him and should lay it to rest, lest I push him away. So instead I pray. and I am slightly neurotic so I pray all day everyday. I have to, otherwise my anxiety and depression would resurface and my own paranoia would overtake me and I would be miserable! My goal is to be 100% dependant on God, some day soon. My issue that I am learning to overcome (and I think I have the strength and tools with reading this post) is that every 6 months or so I begin to accuse my husband of cheating again. I have to have FAITH in my husband, as well as the Lord. After 3 years I have finally realized that it is me that begins this cycle, not my hsuband and I have been praying harder than ever to get the devil out of my mind. This post is EXACTLY what I prayed for not 20 minutes ago. I adore my husband, and I realized I have been slipping into some bad habits that I swore to myself never to do. I need a constant reminder of what a Godly wife is, My favorite is the description in "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. I have not been as Godly as I have been claiming to be with my friends, although that breaks my heart, it makes me happy to know that God catches me when I fall. After 5 years of marriage, and a 1 year old and one we plan to create by the end of this year, I can say that my husband and I (although we are unusal by most people's scales) we have what millions of people are striving for, and we work hard every SINGLE day to make it better. When in doubt, shut up, and PRAY <3

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    2. My husband also had an affair and we are still together. I also have a set back about every couple months. He lets me vent and cry and then he holds me until I fall asleep. We are working on it but we have distanced ourselves from the church and it is making it harder. This was wonderful to read. Thank you all!

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  15. I think you should promote this to all your bloggers there is a women out there that does not no the meaning of marriage and didnt want cousiling she was just selfish looking into what she wanted in life . Marriage is work and a process that has to be done you can think you no someone but marriage changes people ..

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  16. Wow this is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing, I LOVED reading this! And all of your other posts. you are a VERY inspirational person, glad to have stumbled upon your blog :)

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  17. First, I would like to express my gratitude and thanks for this post. Thank you for sharing, this is exactly what I was seeking this morning and you have said it all so eloquently and in a way I absolutely understand and agree with whole heartedly. What an inspiration you are. :)

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  18. Thank you for this post...it is exactly what I needed to hear tonight!

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  19. I often feel I'm having to mother my husband in the area of finances. I don't need much 'stuff' and though our budget is so tight we get help with our groceries from family, I am a careful spender, tithe, and take care of my two small children. My husband likes to buy.... he doesn't like that I'm not working, 'pulling my weight' though oddly enough if I could find a job that paid enough to be worth the childcare, I would.
    I constantly have to let go and know that God sees my effort to be a good steward of our finances, and yet also that my husband is the head of my household and is to make the spending decisions. That is very difficult.
    I appreciated your words. I'm not to be his mother, I pray over him daily that he would be delighted in the things we have so wonderfully been blessed with, instead of what he can't buy. Thank you so much.

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    1. When we mother our husbands we take the chance away from God to Father them

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  20. I'm currently dating...haven't made it to the engagement/marriage stage with anyone yet...but this is a great, thought provoking piece. Thanks for writing it so my friend could share the link today! Definitely gives me some things to research and think about :)

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  21. Ps. I couldn't find a husband one so I sent this to my boyfriend. He read this also and it's started some good conversation.

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  22. I do think it's interesting that a pastor would ask a couple married less than 3 years to counsel an engaged couple. No offense meant to you, but you and your husband have barely scratched the surface of marriage-- since you are both working (and seem to be financially comfortable), have no children, and have all the time in the world to focus on each other. You have not yet faced the trials and difficulties of life-changing events that truly test a marriage and prove its mettle like having kids, losing jobs or other financial hardships, facing a spouse's or child's illness, etc. Frankly, if you said your marriage was difficult at this point in the game, I would say you married the wrong guy. You are still firmly enmeshed in the honeymoon stage, and that is a blessing. However, it does not give you the qualifications needed to counsel anyone.

    I guess I worry that you provide an overly optimistic portrait of marriage to both that couple and your audience. You have little in the way of experience to back up all the mandates you are stating. I know very few newly-married couples who are facing difficulties of the kind that truly test a marriage, and I think it is naive to think you have it all figured out just because you happen to be relatively happy after 2 and a half years. Marriage is not formulaic, and following a list of regurgitated platitudes gathered from a variety of ubiquitous sources is no guarantee of success. You ARE stating some good principles, but you are also putting a LOT of pressure on women to behave and look a certain way-- what if they fail? Does that mean that they don't deserve a happy marriage? If a woman's husband cheats on her or otherwise abandons her, does it mean she has not followed your list correctly? I would be very interested to see how you'd revise this post after 7 years of marriage, or after the birth of a couple of kids, or after facing financial hardship, or after 14 years of marriage. I think it would be a much different post.





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    1. Wow, that was a bit harsh. I was married for 21 years. I remember around year 3 when we had the biggest fight, the honey moon was certainly over and divorce was mentioned. But we got over that and made it many years between fights, I thought I had the perfect marriage and at 20 years when the kids were mostly gown and we both had been immulsed in careers that he chose to leave his family for another woman. A year and a half later he finally came to his senses as I was about to be remarried. I am happily remarried now and in that honey moon stage again. Either way, no matter what stage you are in, Biblical teaching is always great, and the best advice anyone can give. She clearly touched on what God would have a woman be to her husband. It was a wonderful statement of faith.

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    2. I agree, that was unnecessary. While I would feel unqualified to counsel someone, it is up to God who is actually qualified. And who are you to say that God did not tell the pastor to ask them to speak. I sort of agree that being married three years may not qualify some people due to a shortage of life experiences, yet in the first three years of my marriage my husband and I both finished college, went through him being laid off for 7 months while we were both still in college, lost a baby, had another baby, lost 2 very close family members, and remodeled a home completely. I realize that people who have been married for longer have experienced much more, but that is a lot to go through when you are supposed to be in the "honeymoon stage."

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    3. Actually, I disagree with the previous two posters and agree with Rachel. Optimism should be cherished, and the "honeymoon stage" is a blessing - but it also can cause disillusion in many couples. God wants us to envision marriage as a true, unbreakable bond, but without realistic expectations, people are going to be shocked when the "honeymoon phase" wears off and may start to doubt the overall goal of marriage.

      With counseling from a "honeymoon phase" couple can be a good glimpse for single/engaged couples of what the first few years of marriage is like, a couple with further experience, such as the experiences Rachel mentioned, would be most beneficial to the single/engaged/newlyweds accepting the counsel. People who have been through the good AND the bad, who have still maintained their way in Christ, and who have the Godly relationship with each other for which we all strive.

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    4. Time does not make a better marriage, attitude does, and your heart is hard, Rachel. Please note that their pastor asked them to speak which indicates they are submissive to authority that God has placed over them for their protection, and blessing. Could you find it in your heart to encourage rather than criticize the tenderness of their hearts? Incidentally, I was married for 17 years when my 1st husband passed away from cancer, and now I have been remarried for 14. I by no means consider myself any more in love or qualified than the couple who shared. Be thankful that someone is there to give them a realistic picture of the initial stages, I could have been better prepared, if I had read this.

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    5. Rachel quit listen to satan do what the bible says an u get thur life there be hard times only because satan wants to take u with him get the hate out an put GOD FIRST an your life will change for the better

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    6. I think your post was a bit harsh as well Rachel. A good marriage starts with a good foundation. That is exactly what she is setting up here. She has a great head on her shoulders and knows what is right. I needed to read this today to remind me of how to be a great GODLY wife. My husband and I have been married 4 years in August and have faced more in these four years than most never face in a lifetime. We have lost three children, one after the other. You want to talk about a strain and hardship on a marriage?! We would not still be together if it weren't for many of the things she talks about here on this page. Just because you haven't been married long doesn't mean you don't know what marriage is about. She clearly stated towards the beginning that she has her struggles as well. I love my husband and am working on my walk with God. God knew I needed to read this today and I am so glad somebody put it up on their profile for me to scroll through and see it.

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    7. I think all of you women judging Rachel for stating her opinion are "following Satan" for calling her out. She is entitled to her opinion and frankly she said it politely and without criticising the original poster in any way. I think you women should rethink your way of thinking and whether or not you are Godly either. How can you tell a woman you've never met her heart is hard? That is rude and I bet you're God wouldn't appreciate it.

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    8. Ladies... Our blogger speaks from the authority of Gods Word. What she says is biblically sound .... Not her opinion. I am amazed at her disciplined desires to follow the pattern that the Designer of marriage has laid out! I've been married 30 years and those truths applied to marriage then and it applied now. Choose to love the mate you chose. Gods ways are higher than ours... Lean not on your own understanding.

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    9. Danielle & Jon...you guys are blessed in wisdom beyond your years and please don't ever doubt that. The advice you gave was honest and from your heart based on biblical principles. Still in love after 21 years of marriage with three children and a full time job, your advice is dead on. We've experienced happy times and sad times and mad times...hard times and easy times. I LOVE my husband more every day. An older family member told me on my wedding day...honey...some days you're gonna want to just eat him up--and other days, you're gonna wish you would have! Ha! Life is truly a roller coaster. I've watched many close friends and family members attempt to go to greener pastures only to find heartache. Thank you for inspiring me and others!! Way to go girl! :)

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    10. I married at 23, we had our first son 5 months after that, and had our second son 3 1/2 years later. I quit my job 4 months after we were married while my husband was starting a brand new job. We went through many different life changing events in our first year. While it does not seem that this lady went through things, it does not mean that you can judge her. I believe that it is wonderful for her to speak. I think that she shared wonderful attributes that all people need to know. I also believe that she will be the wiser being so strong in her faith and marriage for when hardships or life changing events happen. I agree that she will look back on this in 5 to seven years, but she will be happy and proud of herself for making such a strong statement of faith for it.

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    11. After 3 years of marriage, my husband and I have been through 2 job changes for him, 3 job changes for me (which were major pay cuts) 3 very close family members passing, and plenty of baggage. That is a lot of experience in 3 years. Unless you personally know her, you do not know her entire story you do not know if she is "qualified", which brings me to the point that she was asked to speak, not going around gloating about what she knows. Are you questioning the qualifications of the pastor? Perhaps he knows her story better than you do.

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    12. I don't think it matters how long the couple has been a couple. God can use ANYone to pass on His messages. I got a letter from my mother (a woman that was married twenty years) soon after I got married that hit on the exact same points as were mentioned in this post! Just because the marriage is young doesn't mean it isn't worth just as much to God as an older one.

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    13. I have been married many, many years and have several great grandchildren. If I had been able to develop such a profound understanding of what makes a good marriage as this young wife, mine would probably have been much better along the way. Mine has been through many ups and downs and we have stuck it out because were grounded in Christian principles and attempted in most circumstances to put God first. We went through some tough times of infidelity and forgiveness for such is very difficult, but not impossible. When we each look at ourselves and know God's forgiveness is extended to us as we extend forgiveness to others, it helps to make it possible. Yes, it hurts, terribly. But, back to the criticism of the inexperience of this author...she has presented observations worthy of consideration by those looking forward to good marriages, for those who are just beginning marriages and for those who need to improve their marriages. I applaud her insight wherever she obtained it and I pray that she will be able to take her own advice and be able to remain with her spouse with fewer and less severe ups and downs as long as my husband and I which is well over 50 years. May God bless all of you with his presence in your marriages!

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    14. Do you not remember her saying,

      "I was very humbled and honored, but honestly, I felt very unworthy. I know a LOT of the right things to say. I have sat under some incredible teaching on marriage. I have been part of some awesome Bible studies, been mentored by some phenomenal women of the Lord, and been taught what it means to be a Godly wife. But, there are still a LOT of areas I really, REALLY need to work on and improve so I can be a better wife to Jonathan. I know that nobody is perfect, but there are so many areas where I fall short."

      She too said she felt very unworthy to be asked to do such. Don't you think a little bit of that comes out of her knowing she has a very new marriage, and not a ton of experience. But I think the principles are there, and she too is learning like the couple. She may be more on target to talk to them as they are both new couples and navigating these things. They've JUST experienced things that this couple has faced too. It's not something that happened to them 20 years ago and they're having to recall how they handled certain situations. Either way sounds like she's compiled Biblical teaching, personal lessons learned, and also advice she's been given from others.

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  23. To Rachel,
    As a pastor who does a great deal of premarital counseling with my wife who is a licensed pastoral counselor, I thought you should know that it is a common practice to bring couples in with all levels of experience to speak to young couples about their experiences thus far in marriage, whether that be 2 or 52 years. I am also curios as to any real problem that you have with the comments made in this blog post. Is it your contention that the only way one can speak with authority is possessing boundless experience? If this were the case would any new ideas ever surface? Danielle has not stated that these ideas are fool proof or a mandate to all women for every situation. Not only that but she has not claimed a mastery of marriage, in her opener she states that this list is largely things she needs to refocus on going forward. If she is successful her marriage stands a great chance of being in the minority and surviving. Not only that but she spoke of he comments her husband made, I am sure he discovered his own responsibilities as a husband and equal partner in their covenant. The wife is not the only one that works to make a marriage work.
    As much as you accuse her of being optimistic, your proposed realism falls more on the side of tragic pessimism. A more realistic approach is that a marriage should encounter bumps in the first 3 years. I would be concerned if it didn't regardless of any "honeymoon phase". You are right, with experience this list may change but that makes it no less valid for where she is right now. Without advice on how to survive three years of marriage how would a couple ever see 7, or 14. It would also be nice if people would start abandoning this idea that tragedy and hardship are the only reputable tutors in life. There are many people out there who have faced no great tragedy or hardship and are absolutely miserable, perhaps hearing from someone who is "comfortable" and remains happy and grounded is a good thing. My wife and I have dealt with a great deal of hardship and struggles financially, as well as with our son and his health yet we are happy and grateful to God for his many blessings, in light of that I believe a young couple has just as much to learn from my family as Danielle's.

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  24. Danielle ~ What an amazing post!! It is full of great insight and truth!! Thank You!!!

    Josh ~ Thank You for that!!

    Rachel ~ Danielle was clearly coming from a stand of biblical truth. I'm not sure you understand that or possibly even really know it. No offense to you, of course.
    You give off an impression of someone who is jaded. I hate that for you.
    Being a person who has been married for several years, has children, has experienced loss of 3 children, experienced financial hardships, experienced health scares, has experienced and seen both good and bad of marriage, and both my husband and I have careers that have some of the highest divorce rates out there.......all that, and yet we continue to keep God at the center, we continue to focus on Him and the promises of His word.
    None of what Danielle posted came across to me in the way you stated your interpretation. Her words came across as positive biblical instruction and truth. It was not all rainbows and sunshine, nor was it posted as a "pass or fail". What is wrong with striving for God's best for your marriage? And for the times you don't quite achieve your intended goal....well Praise God for GRACE, freely given and freely received!!!

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  25. I have been married for seventeen years, have two children, have been through difficult times, but none of that changes the truth of God's word. Thank you for sharing the truth. I believe if more couples started out with these truths, marriages would last. Keep sharing!

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  26. I have been married for seventeen years, have two children, have been through difficult times, but none of that changes the truth of God's word. Thank you for sharing the truth. I believe if more couples started out with these truths, marriages would last. Keep sharing!

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  27. After 16 years of marriage, I have seriously been considering the D word. I had even given us a year to get some things financial things settled and then see how we were. My oldest son is sensing the strain and said he had a dream that we were getting divorced. I didn't reply to him. Now, reading this made me realize I haven't been doing what I need to as a Godly wife. So much more that I need to be doing to show him love and priorities are out of order. THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

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    1. I have been married 29 years and one week, and my marriage is the best it's ever been. We have weathered some very hard times. Financially, in raising our children, in our careers, with our families, you name it. I used to daydream about how he would become the perfect man, which always left me frustrated. Then one day, I realized that I was not listening to the ways he told me he loved me. Turning on the blanket before bed. Cooking my favorite things. Hanging curtain rods. Once I started seeing that, I stopped living a fantasy and realized I am blessed beyond measure. And once I started appreciating it, he has done even more. Now he does all the cooking and laundry, and last summer he built me an amazing craft room (and I mean A. Ma.Zing. with major cabinetry and shelving, all made by hand). Take some time to think about what your husband is doing for you to show you that he loves you, and you may be amazed at how blessed your marriage really is. I think her advice about remembering that men are not mind readers is right on target, but I also think we can't expect romance to look a certain way when it looks completely different to them.

      I had a friend once who told me that, if he didn't cheat on me, beat me, or stay drunk, I probably had it pretty good, or as she said, "good enough." She had just divorced her husband and realized she made a terrible mistake. I am praying for you and your family and for God's divine healing in your marriage. He wants us to be happy, and he joined you so that you could be happy. Stick it out - the tough time always make way for the even-better-than-ever times.

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  28. Thank you for posting. What an awesome TRUTH! With our 5th anniversary approaching, this was a special read for me!

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  29. Regardless of our life circumstances, God's Word is the same. Is it more difficult to follow as life get more complicated? Sure, but the truths are the same. Excellent reminder as it is so easy to get caught up in the insanity of life. Love that this "old" post has been resurrected.

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  30. Can I hire you to just sit on my shoulder and constantly whisper these words to me for the rest of my life on this Earth? I never knew I needed to hear this until now....and, wow, the timing certainly is incredible. Know God is absolutely working through you....without a doubt. Thank you.

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  31. This is a Great article, and very heartfelt. Unfortunately,it does not apply to but a small percent of marriages today. I have been married since 1997, see I do not even know how long this has been. My husband from the beginning of I do, started working more ( 60- 70 hrs ) a week, not because he had to but because he chose to. We have three children, in which we do share responsibilities at times, but I am left caring the load. I own my on business, gorcery shop, clean house, do laundry, have someone cut our 8.5 acres, have the oil chnaged in both vehicles, take vehicles to get serviced, plan meals, plan vacations, school shop, arrange children to be picked up, I am the one who stands guard when the dogs go crazy at 1am, I am the one locked an loaded with a gun if anyone dare comes into my house un invited. So, roles like mine are reversed, I have no choice but to be the rock for my children. I have read the bible, read my vows, but no where did it say that a woman should sacrifice her life and living because the Man chooses to change. Your story is beautiful, it is how mine started, but through years of turmoil and tribulations we both fell short on the marriage. We are still married, but only because of financial means for the children. We like some couples have our own room in which we sleep,there is no affection, no intimacy, and no bond. You see, I also wished I had what you talk about, but unfortunately God picked the wrong man for me as the wrong woman for him. So whose to blame? God? or us? Thanks for sharing your article, it is inspiring. Hopefully one-day before its not to late I can atleast feel 1 ounce of love from someone as a woman as you do. Thats not asking God for alot, but he seems to jump over that prayer. Thanks again for such a beautiful story you two share.

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    1. Maybe because God wants you to work on the marriage you have now. Have you prayed FOR your husband, not for a new man? God didn't pick the wrong man for you, you just have to learn to love him as he is instead of wanting him to change. He likes work so much, find out what it is about his job that he likes. Ask him about it, make him talk to you about it. Get him involved in things. With you doing all of those things you say you are doing, you are leaving him no room in the house to be the man. While you are overwhelmed and balancing both jobs, he probably feels like you don't need him. Have you ever told him that you need him? Have you ever asked him to go talk to a Pastor with you. You may not like some of the things the Pastor or your husband has to say but talking about it is the first step to repairing the relationship you already have instead of looking for a new one.

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    2. That is excellent advice. One day, I realized my husband wasn't doing things for me because I always refused his help when he offered. I was refusing in an effort not to inconvenience him, but he wanted me to need his help. Now when he offers, I take him up on it every time.

      A man who works as many hours as her husband does may be doing so because he wants to ensure that he is an excellent provider. I have some friends who divorced right before their 25th anniversary, and I tried to tell them to work through things because your marriage has so much potential as you get older and get your children raised. Now they are both miserable because they are searching for a lifelong partner, not realizing they had one.

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    3. I asked my husband once, why he loved me. He answered simply "because you love me." That short answer may not seem to say much, but it is HUGE! If I truly love him, with all my heart, I would never be unselfish, I'd always be kind, giving, patient... How could he not love someone like that? If someone is always giving of themselves for you, it makes you want to do more for them. And YOU have to start it, you can't say "exactly! If he was so loving, I'd love him more." It takes you making the first step. Try it. Stop focusing on what he is or is not doing, and just be as loving as can be. Give an extra word of encouragement. Bite back a complaint. LOVE more. Love given WILL be love returned. And stop blaming God. God is GOOD! Satan is the enemy and we have power to overcome the enemy if we TRUST in GOD. "James 1:13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: 14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. 15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. 16 Do not err, my beloved brethren. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." Psalm 37 3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed . 4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. Those are promises! But notice that it's up to us. If WE delight ourselves in the Lord, THEN he will give us the desires of our heart. Pray, turn to God, be humble, and watch God make things better for you. We have been married a long time, and my husband is my best friend. And we didn't always understand each other, but we always put the other in front of our own, and God works it out.

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  32. This is FANTASTIC!!! I agree wholeheartedly and you said it with such simple truth and grace! Thank you!

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  33. My mama always taught me that the "woman sets the tone in the home." A good thing to remember. Also, one of the best books I read concerning submitting to your husband is Elizabeth Rice Handford's "Me? Obey Him?" Good words that speak encouragingly to women about God's awesome power in marriage. Especially those which are not equally yoked.

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  34. I would love to read a post that your husband wrote about being a Godly Husband. I would love to hear his thoughs. Your words touch my heart and I do know what is right and do believe and follow God. My life has been a battle at times. For it to work, both Husband and Wife have to believe and work for the same goals. At times we get knocked off course, some make it back and others don't. Ok...I will pray more for him, maybe that is where the answers to my questions, problems, confusions lay. May God bless you both with a life time of Happiness!

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  36. Rachel has it right!

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  37. This made me throw up in my mouth a little. Try living as a single black teenage mother for a while and see how these values hold up.

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    1. I think you missed the point of the blog's advice for married women, not single women.

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    2. Nor does the color of our skin matter, a single mother is a single mother, and I agree with the person above... this post is about married women.

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    3. Maybe that's the reason your single in the first place, because this makes you gag

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  38. I think what a lot of people have failed to realize is that these biblical truths that Danielle spoke about need to begin at the beginning of a marriage (actually - before). What better person to point these truths out than someone who has been married a relatively short time. God wants us to encourage others - not bring them down.

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    1. I don't think it's ever too late to begin living these truths, though. Many of us started out one way but held things together by following the tenets she's outlined. There is hope for everyone!

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  39. Danielle is hot!

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  40. Very interesting & commendable post. You have laid out some wonderful attributes & principles that folks should absolutely strive toward.

    I would however like to bring up one point: Almost everything you laid out there can absolutely apply to a husband! (Maybe not point 5 as it deals with the Proverbs 31 woman but still the principles she embodies are admirable regardless of your gender.)

    1) Keep God first, your spouse second: Totally agree. As a husband God is my first love with my wife second!

    2) Understand the covenant: This is a sacred oath & it's my duty as a Christ follower to honor it. Man or woman!

    3) Submission but for my reasoning I'm going to user the term Service: This is certainly a contentious area in our modern culture & you're right that these words have taken on a negative connotation. Though we may have differing roles, the idea of submission/service speaks to the laying down of our rights. As a Christ follower (husband or wife) we should seek to serve & love one another with selflessness. I fear that as Christians we sometimes put so much emphasis on "submit to your husband" that we make it seem as if the husband has no obligation to serve his wife. On the contrary we husbands are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church and He exemplified this through His countless acts of service and His commandments to serve and love others throughout the world!

    4) Speak edifying words: Another wonderful & universal principle! Bless your spouse with words of praise!

    5) Proverbs 31 woman: Like I mentioned earlier, a bit tough to draw a totally direct comparison but I believe we're shown here a woman of honor and valor here living a life with excellence. Even as a man, I should desire this type of ethos in my own life!

    6) Do it anyway: All about loving and serving unconditionally. Again, a wonderful principle for all of us! I do disagree though with your statement that it's not your job as a wife to discipline or correct a husband. If I'm acting wrong or doing something sinful then I would absolutely want my wife (my helpmeet! my companion!) to call me out and speak truth in love to me! (As I should do for her if she is sinning.) As my sister in Christ I would hope that she would help me to get out of that sin before the Lord himself has to do something more drastic!! :)

    7) Communicate: Yup, you better practice it and do it for your marriage to be healthy! Semi-coherent grunts don't count...

    8) 80/20 principle: A great point as this is also a huge danger to men. Always let your heart be captivated by your wife! So many warnings in scripture about letting our eyes and minds wander.

    9) Strive to please: I'm glad you mentioned that you think it's not okay for the husband to let himself go. This again speaks back to your points in 3 & 6 that circle around loving unconditionally. Even though I may LOATHE watching Pride & Prejudice, I'm going to do it for my wife because I love her!

    10) Cover in prayer: Absolutely. We'll never make it as individuals or as a couple if we don't seek out our Lord's help in our life and in our spouse's. Husbands, pray for your wives!

    So those are my thoughts as a husband. Hope that's helpful to some!

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  41. Thanks for sharing your insights! I was truly blessed by reading this post. My hubby and I will celebrate 20 yrs together this summer, and I do my best to live by these same principles. :)

    Jill

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  42. This is the worst marriage advice I have ever seen. Literally the worst. And my husband thinks it's stupid too and we are both Christians. This kind of crap is what gets women stuck in abusive relationships. Most of your advice is giant red flags for domestic abuse.

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    1. THANK YOU. I was sitting here thinking, surely people cannot actually believe this is good advice. This is sickening. I pity little girls who are raised to think this way. Not only is it like a gateway to domestic abuse, but it's also a good way to set women up to think their worth is determined by something so ridiculous as how well they serve some chauvinistic pig.

      I'm happily married and have an excellent relationship with my husband. I showed him this article and he asked, "was this written by one of those girls who grew up on a compound and was sold to her husband when she was 14?" That should give you an idea of where these "values" belong.

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    2. She said nothing about "serving a chauvinistic pig." She is talking about being kind to her husband. If people are smart, they will not marry a chauvinistic pig. They will take the time prior to marriage to know who they are marrying so they will not be stuck in a bad marriage or an abusive marriage. Her advice is not to stay if you are being harmed. Her advice is to cheer on your spouse, love them, comfort them. How is that sickening? She didn't say the spouse shouldn't do the same for her. It's a two way street. Husbands and wives loving each other. This is sickening to you?

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    3. It's just dumb catch phrases thrown around the "Christian" community, particularly southern Baptist. There's nothing good to come of it. A lot of "Godly" advice is born from the stupidity of the masses interpreting things they don't really understand through the lenses of their own experiences. This advice is stupid.

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    4. For those who call themselves Christians and yet condemn this advice need to get back in their bibles, Gods Word and ultimate authority. Everything this young lady mentioned can be found in scripture. And the length of her marriage does not change the biblical truths presented.

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    5. You know what's ruined many a good marriage? Women who control their husbands. It's out of balance, and at the very least, the women are equal partners in the marriage. They are not, however, supposed to be domineering and controlling. Her advice is practical, and Christian or not, you're not going to get anywhere by being distrusting and cruel. Refusing to talk smack to your friends about your husband is great advice. My friends envy my marriage because I will not talk bad about my husband, no matter how mad I am. He is the love of my life, and I CHOOSE to be happy in my marriage.

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  43. I really love the principles you wrote out here and intend to follow in your marriage. I must say though that its pretty apparent that you two don't have kids yet by these comments you've made. (About lots of women letting themselves go after having kids - sorry but lots of moms don't have the time for it anymore! Also was apparent by making it sound so plain and simple to put your husbands above your kids! You must never have taken care of a newborn before!!!)

    Not to sound bitter or anything, but that was my honest reaction upon reading the majority of the list. It's easy to feel this way before actually encountering any of those situations.

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    1. I thought the same thing. I think the advice is excellent for the most part; it doesn't matter if you are young or old. Submission isn't always a dirty word; it's simply common courtesy as you mutually try to please, edify and be kind to one another.

      However, it did cross my mind that it's apparent they didn't have children either, and that she hasn't yet realized there are seasons to everything - and there will come a season where she will let a few things go for a while. I hope she's never in the circumstance where her husband has been deployed for the 5th time in 6 years and he's gone a year (leaving before Thanksgiving) again; she has young children and one of them has severe special needs and a rare syndrome, and she's doing everything she can to fight for the care her child needs with doctors, therapists, specialists, insurance, school and local community - and then one day, after staying up all night with sick children, walk by a newly married young woman whose attitude so clearly says that she is disdainful and dismissive of her as the young woman uses appearance only to judge what she thinks is going on. Like Rachel, I'd be curious to see if she feels the same way after she's been through the fire. And like Ali, it seems very easy to say until you've lived it.

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  44. Awesome post you are spot on and God is using you in amazing ways to help others!

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  45. Awesome post and great reminder of the wife that God has called us to be! God is using your blog to help others be drawn back to him so keep blogging girl. Don't listen to the naysayers everything you said was spot on. Also I wish these people would get over it and understand what you mean when you say you put your husband first.It is so possible and not selfish. I mean hello and you DO have a newborn!

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  46. It should read, our preacher asked Big John and "me", not "I".

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    1. Oh thank you for that correction. It was bugging me too!

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  47. Thank you for posting! So true!

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  48. I'm not sure Rachel's heart is hard. I believe she's being a real, honest woman. Just like Danielle is allowed to share her thoughts about her marriage and how wonderful it's been for their 2.5 years of bliss, so is Rachel. Marriage is hard...simply put. I love that Danielle has the heart to share with others about marriage, but over time; because people aren't perfect; it's unrealistic. Rachel, you have obviously been through some really tough things, and have been hurt beyond words. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. I know that kind of pain. I've dealt with mental and emotional abuse from my ex husband for a long time. From the outside, we were the perfect "godly couple"...but on the inside, I was dying. Danielle thank you for sharing these beautiful words, ideas, and tips. Rachel, thank you for your honest words as well. They were bold and I see people have almost attacked you for them.

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  49. AMAZING SWEET GIRL! :) I loved this blog!! :)

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  50. What an awesome post!!! Thank you for sharing!

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  51. A friend posted this blog onto her Facebook wall. I loved it !!!! I am now subscribed to your blogs. In the beginning of this blog, you said you would be posting what your husband said in that counseling session. I can't find that blog. Can you tell me how to find it ? Thank you so much !

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  52. Wow! Some great advice! To the people that do not think they have been married long enough to understand, look at the words of wisdom. I have been married for almost 21 years, the first 3 years were the hardest, my husband married a self-centered, spoiled little brat (that's me) and kept working hard and selflessly for the first couple of years, thank God for him. If you read the advice it is great for newly married and 20 plus years of marriage, whether or not you have children, financial difficulties, illness...
    Read and take to heart, for this is good stuff!
    Act like you are still trying to get his attention, be the girl he asked to marry. Do things like hold his hand, rub his shoulders, little acts of love and affection go a long way.
    Keep God first and all else will fall into place, stay on the road he has laid out for you and your days will be ordered by Him!
    Oh yeah, take 20 minutes to an hour out of your day to do a little cardio and weights. Adding muscle to your body increases you fat burning ability and metabolism.

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  53. Out of the mouths of babes can truly keep some one grounded or remind them to be. I think this blog is able to speak to long married couples as well as young men and women considering marriage in the future. Some are quick to judge before looking inward at their own marriage. God bless all marriages. Young and old.

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  54. I couldn't get past the concerning lack of qualification to provide counsel on such matters. Yes, Rachael is spot on. No, she should not be giving advice to struggling couples. We should not discourage the young lady's ministry efforts, but she is still very much in the mentee phase of life. There are things to learn from such youthful innocence and freedom, but largely the majority of one's time during the phase of life she is in is much better spent in a listening environment, rather than preaching. She has the potential, with such great self-confidence and articulation that are both much needed traits, to be a great mentor when she has absorbed enough experience and her time comes. Rushing that opportunity and worse yet, not being willing to be a mentor ourselves and help her understand to be patient and wait for the right time, is not doing her any favors.

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    1. The Biblical principles she speaks of are general principles based on scripture, which can and should be applied at the beginning, middle, and end of a marriage. They are not ones that she made up based on her specific situation. God expects us to rely on them throughout our entire marriage. Neglect of duties by one spouse, does not give the other spouse permission to do the same. Yes, in the case of any type of abuse, one must protect themselves and if they have them, their children. However, I would dare say that most cases of divorce today are related to pride and selfishness, not to any even remotely justifiable reason to end the marriage. The advice she give is timeless and applicable for any year of marriage. Marriage is a picture of Christ and His church and is sacred. If both spouses would choose to consider each others needs more important than their own, (as the Bible teaches), divorce rates would plummet.

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  55. I saw this blog on facebook this morning and really enjoyed reading it. Did you ever write another post with what Jonathan shared?

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  56. Saw this on a friends facebook page and I love it! I feel like I have a very happy and successful marriage but there are always areas in which you can improve and I definitely saw some in here that I need to get to work on. I pray that you and your husband will continue to have a strong marriage. I have two little boys and it makes me very hopeful to know that there are still women like you teaching the next generation to be the kind of wives I hope they someday have. Also, I totally LOVE your husband for wearing Georgia hats in about half of these pictures. Go Dawgs! :)

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  57. Oh how I needed to hear this today . I am not married yet, but me and Anthony have been together for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. We want to make sure we will work out before we make the commitment because divorce will never be an option. Although we had an unplanned pregnancy, and our relationship was rather "rushed" we still want to try our hardest to make this work for God, ourselves, and our God-given, beautiful daughter! Lately I have been trying to figure out how I can be a better partner to him and a better mother to her. Just a better person all the way around! This post has opened my eyes in a lot of ways as to how I can focus on being better so that we can move forward and make the commitment. So thank you for the great advice!! I wish you and your husband happiness for the rest of y'all's days!!

    Ps. Can anyone tell me how to subscribe to her blogs from an iPad please. I can't seem to find it. Thanks

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  58. That is a beautiful post...I do agree that it is evident you do not have children, however. I think a modification of this same post in a few years would be a very good read..make it feasible for everybody..:)

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  59. This is a wonderful post. We have been married almost 38 years and what you are saying works, is biblical and true. I hope every married couple will read this.Yes, you can make this work with children, we have two. God bless you both!

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  60. Such a beautiful post and amazing points!!

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  61. Heather GranthamJune 5, 2013 at 12:08 PM

    I love this! Thanks for sharing! I needed to be reminded of all of these things!

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  62. Danielle, this is so much true in my life right now that I couldn't even asked to to find this.
    I have been looking and trying to understand things that are going on in my life.
    and to my surprise I open my facebook to see this page I haven't read it before. but I guess God knows when I needed to hear these words and thank you so very much I look forward to seeing more posts from you. I love you and I hope and I wish the best for your marriage and your baby boy

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  63. A devoted mother who also is marriedJune 5, 2013 at 12:23 PM

    I am disheartened by the comment to put your husband before you CHILDREN, because they (children) will eventually leave. Your children will ALWAYS be YOUR children, which can not always be said for a spouse. God gifts us the precious gift of being parents (either birth or adoption), and nothing can replace that role. In my job as a nurse, I see child abuse (not just physical) every day. I know that's not what the blog was suggesting, however as a parent, not putting my child first above anyone else (excluding God)is unthinkable to me. Children can be loved and nurtured by single or divorced parents. From a child that grew up in a home where my parents stayed together "for the kids sake", I can without a doubt say I regret being the reason they stayed married, and made our home life miserable because they were unhappy.
    I realize your post wasn't suggesting abandoning children over your husband. But from someone that has been married 15+ years, and tried over 4 years to get pregnant (and praise God our prayers were finally answered), my daughter is the reason I live and breathe. She is the reason I have such a strong faith in God. She is the prime example of God answering my prayers. My husband could walk in the door at any time with divorce papers. But nothing can take away the precious gift of being the mother of my child. I've witnessed several friends loose their children in the last several years. Nothing can replace that and each one live with the one regret that they didn't have more time with their child.

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    1. Ma'am I mean no offence and praise God for hearing your cries and blessing you with a child; however, it is very biblical ( and when I say that I mean God commands it) that we keep our priorities in order. After God comes your husband. The devil loves using something so innocent as the love for our children to interfere with how God ordained marriage. Look back at Gods word and ask him to help you keep your priorities straight. Your child deserves what's best which is to see her parents in love. You will do her more good by showing her how to be the wife God calls us to be.

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    2. In response to a devoted mother. I am a mother of 4 children and I love them all dearly, 3 of them grown and 1 still at home. When children are grown they set out and make a life for themselves. Yes, you will always be their mother but they won't need "mothering." They will need an adult parent/child relationship with you and that is a lot different from when they were young children growing up. Part of your responsibility to your children is to teach them, by example, how to be a good mate to your spouse, their father. You say your parents stayed together "for the children" and made you and your siblings lives miserable. That's what happens when you put your children 1st. If they, your parents, would have followed the plan that God put before them and put each other 1st I am sure that you and your siblings lives would have been different....most likely happier at the very least. I am sure that when your were a child you would have loved to see your parents smile at each other, hug and kiss, laugh and look at each other with love in their eyes...all children want that from their parents, including your daughter and future children. It seems that you are following in your parents footsteps...in short, setting your children up for the same kind of stress and unhappiness that you had as a child because you choose to put your children 1st. ("for the kids sake") You say your child is 1st (excluding God)...that is not possible because God says Him 1st, your spouse 2nd, others 3rd and yourself last. How is He 1st when you aren't following what he says?
      As far as not knowing if your husband will come home with divorce papers says to me loud and clear that you two are very much disconnected from the covenant of marriage that you made 15+ years ago. Yes, love your children with all of your heart and remember this...love and be thankful for the man that God gave you in order for those children to be here on this earth. If he feels that love and gratitude from you...you won't have to wonder about him coming home with divorce papers.

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    3. I can't speak as a parent, but I can speak as a child who saw my parents put me before each other. I love them dearly and I know they love me just as much. However, them doing this affected me in ways that I'm now realizing being engaged.
      They turned to me instead of each other and let me into issues that should have been resolved between them. They did not show affection to each other through words or actions as much as they did to us. This was great in some ways, but it left me in situations I couldn't handle with them and leaves me turning to other married models to understand how to be with me soon-to-be husband.
      I've had a few counselors turn me to the "leave and cleave" passage resulting in me breaking down in tears. Because my parents place me above each other, they make it hard for me to leave the nest as completely as I need to. Whether intentional or not, they have made it so that I feel immense guilt when trying to lead my own adult life. I cannot break free and find myself leading multiple lives - one as their child and another as my own person. I'd love to have these merge, but it's difficult.

      Like I said, they love me and they have given me an amazing life. They were and continue to be amazing and loving parents. However, them putting me first has had a negative impact.
      My story is only my story (and I know it's not so simplistic to do one thing or another), but I hope that it shows an alternate perspective.

      I understand where you are coming from, and your daughter is lucky to have such a loving mother. However, children are meant to eventually leave (and still forever be your children, but have their own lives as well) and it is difficult for this part of God's plan to happen if parents put children before spouses.

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  64. This was perfect!Your message hit it all on the head!I am coming up on my second year of marriage and to see these words of advice laid out- was so refreshing. So much we find so much secular advice in marriage from those that don't follow the Lord or believe His word and it can be hard to differenciate good advice from bad.

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  65. This is jist what i needed to hear. i see what i gotta do now

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  66. Amen! It's also important not to speak poorly or your husband's parents to your friends - something I struggle with DAILY! Imagine how it would make us feel if our husbands spoke poorly to their friends about our parents. That would break my heart!

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  67. Gross. I especially like when she says that if you are not receiving what you need from your husband (like he's neglectful or abusive?), it's your fault for marrying him. Awesome advice. It does not lead to a happy marriage or a happy life. Of course, I think the Bible is complete nonsense, so I can use reason instead of tradition (should I point out here that the all the submission stuff was written by some dudes wondering around the desert?) to guide my approach to life.

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    1. You are putting words in her mouth. She never claimed that it is alright for a husband to be abusive or neglectful. Nor did she ever say that anyone is at fault for being in a harmful relationship because they chose to marry that person.

      It is pointless to debate the Bible in a comment section, but I am sad that you can't be more open-minded about other people's beliefs instead of putting a negative spin on it all.

      Also...I'm pretty sure if you're referring to the Isrealites in the desert (which I can only guess), they "wandered" around the desert. Not to mention that they were not the authors of the "submit to your husbands" passage you are referring to.
      I would advise you to take time to study the Bible before criticizing it so harshly. It's also not a bad idea to know the stories and teachings to be more understanding of others...and it's shaped our world and society in many ways, so it's good to know anyway. Take it from a Christian who takes time to study other faiths and their teachings.

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  68. I love this blog and completely agree!! Where is your blog about what Jonathan had to say?? I have looked all through your blogs, but I can't find it!

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  69. AMAZING!! I have read this 3 times already today. I am very blessed to have a wonderful, caring husband and father of our three grown sons. After reading this blog I feel I have let God down so many times with my attitude at times with this amazing husband of mine. I pray today to I can be a more caring wife pleasing to God. Thank you for sharing.

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  70. Would love to read your husbands thoughts on being a godly husband

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  71. I'm so proud of you and your meek and humble spirit. I believe everything you have written and it's nice to see a young woman profess her faith in God and love for her husband. God's way is the BEST way and if you continue to please Him in your marriage and live by the principles you've shared, you will live happily ever after with your sweet Jonathan! It won't always be easy and you'll often feel inadequate and unworthy, but when you do, come back to read this letter to yourself as a reminder of God's faithfulness and the love you have for Him and your husband. My husband and I have done it for 24 years and I would not trade him or the life we share for the world! Congratulations to you and God bless you and Jonathan!

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  72. This is such a beautiful post! I love it and I think you are spot on, Danielle! I used to not agree that the husband always leads spiritually... because I am a very, very spiritual person and my husband really isn't. The more I payed attention, though, the more I noticed that while he may not be as knowledgeable about the Bible as I am or as faithful as I am, his actions are very inspired. He always puts others before himself, he is always kind, he is always doing for others and asking for nothing in return. He may not have realized before that he knows God, but it is clear to me that he does.

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  73. I was literally in tears reading this. I am separated and my husband is wanting a divorce because of some stupid decisions I made. I wasn't there for him when he needed me. I will go ahead and admit it because confession equals freedom but I was an alcholic drug addict and he warned me if I didn't stop he would file for divorce. I told him if I didn't stop to file. I thought I could stop and I didn't so that is how we ended up in this mess. I look at you guys and I see us. We used to be in full time ministry and somewhere along the way we both got a little lost. I am NOT and will NOT give up so easily. No matter how many times he tells me he doesn't want me anymore I know that the same God that still lives in me lives in him and there is hope in there somewhere. I just know it! You are an inspiration to me. Since I have been sober I have been asking God how I can be a better wife to Lance should he choose to come back to me. Many of the things you have written here are EXACTLY what God has been speaking to me. I want to follow my husband now instead of lead. I want to be more positive around him and show him the love of Christ that the enemy tried to steal from us. The enemy soooo got in our marriage somewhere but I know that as long as I follow God and His perfect will and plan for our lives what the enemy means for bad God can soooo turn it into something good!!! yay!!!! <3

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    1. I just want you to know that I have prayed over this post from you. I really hope that your husband will turn back to you. God is in the business of working miracles and I believe if we pray asking with a believing heart then he will deliver. I hope that you have a chance to practice the wonderful advice from this blog with your husband! My prayers are with you.

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  74. BRAVO!!!! WHAT A PROFOUND AND TIMELESS 'BARING OF HEART AND SOUL'!!! YOU ARE TO BE COMMENDED FOR THIS INSIGHT. THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!

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  75. What about when you do not love your husband, you are not attracted to him physically at all, you have no desire to be touched by him or even kissed. Not because he has done something wrong, not because you dont trust him, but because you see him as a brother, as a friend? What do you say in that situation? I am miserable but stay with my husband because I know I am not supposed to get divorced but I do not love him and i cannot imagine being attracted to him. it is so painful to be in a marriage like mine.

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  76. I have never read your blog before, but I can't tell you how important your words have been. Like you said, it's all things we KNOW we're supposed to do, but sometimes just seeing it in writing really makes your realize what's really happening. Thank you for this post.

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  77. I agree with this post in its majority- I do wish she would clarify the following:
    "The wife’s job is to be inside the home, supporting her husband by managing the household and praying for him"

    Question: Do you Danielle believe that under no circumstances a woman should work outside the home?

    "Women are the world’s worst to get together and “husband bash” …and almost have a competition to see whose hubby has the worst faults"

    Question- while I agree with this in theory- how do you feel about one on one talking with your best friend for advice on how to approach your spouse about a marital issue? Or for support knowing you are not the only one dealing with an issue?

    "Your husband may not always be fulfilling his role, but that is between him and God. It i s NOT our job as wives to correct or discipline our husband"

    "He is not a mind reader, and it’s not fair to expect him to know or understand your wants/needs or what you’re thinking if you don’t TELL HIM"

    Question: These two ideas seem to directly contradict each other. First you say not to correct your husbands behavior then you say to communicate with him. Please clarify.

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  78. LOVED this! Very Biblical. For those of us who believe in what God's Word says and has to offer and who actually study those precepts, specifically on godly marriage, we can attest that you are doing a great job conveying them!

    "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." -1 Timothy 4:12


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    1. To Devoted Mother............I understand what you say, but, sadly it is a fact that your children may leave you someday because they don't like how you feel about something they do. I have seen children leave their parents over the least little detail and never have a relationship with them again. It is sad, but true. So you can always count on their being your children, but you can't always count on their being there for you, either. God instituted the marriage first,(after He "was") and then the family (children) next and that is the order He meant for us to follow. He doesn't mean for us to disregard anyone, just that we remember His line of order.

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  79. Regarding all the comments and misunderstandings over you putting God first, husband second, and kids third, they just aren't understanding you or what the Bible is saying about the matter. I agree with you completely and this is coming from a married woman who is also a mom. And it was a long, hard road to become a mom. No one is saying that you don't meet your children's needs....you just don't let your marriage suffer for the sake of the children because children NEED parents who are strong and solid. I think people are missing that need. As infants and small children who can't do for themselves, obviously as mom you do that for them and teach them. But in our culture especially, children fear their parents marriage will crumble. It is a very real and important need to meet in our children's lives: to nourish our marriages so they in turn will feel safe, love, protected.
    You go girl!

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  80. To the commentators who are in utter disbelief that a wife would put her husband first because "he could leave" but "kids are forever"...
    Yes, your kids are your children forever, but there comes a time when they DO leave and cleave to begin their own life and families. And when they leave your home, you had better invested in your marriage so that when the kids leave, the husband and wife are still intact and in love because in reality, it is the kids who move on and the husband and wife who stick together as one for the remainder of their lives. I know it isn't easy to comprehend in this day and age when divorce is so easy and commonplace, but a husband and wife sticking together for life is how the design was meant to be and that is where the author of this blog is coming from.

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  81. Such a beautiful post and so true. My husband and I agree that divorce is not an option and so many people just don't think that way getting in to their marriage. My husband is not a Christian and this is a struggle for us but I pray that one day he will change his mind and come to the Lord. I am always praying for him. This post has made me realize some things I can do to improve and be an example! Thank you,

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  82. Ellen MacKercherJune 5, 2013 at 8:54 PM

    Wonderful ! I would like to add one more comment: wife or husband: do not criticize your in-laws! Your souse is smart enough to see their short comings. If you are critical they will feel out of loyalty they must defend them. If you remain neutral or positive, you allow your mate the freedom to express his or her opinion freely! What a blessing that can be! My husband and I agreed his mother and my father could never live with us because his mother drive him crazy and my father pushed my buttons! Not that hits relationship with my father was the primary problem nor my relationship with his mother. This was advise given to me by my mother regarding my marriage. And she was right on! Ellen MacKercher

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  83. What a breath of fresh you are as a beautiful young bride, Oh how I wish I had this wisdom at your age, your post is a blessing to many--- Keep the faith !

    Tammy Garber

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  84. Thank you so much for writing this! I am literally in tears after reading this, I really needed this! I am 29 and have been married for nine years with three kids and it is time that I start really truly being the Christian wife that God commands me to be! You truly will receive a blessing for your encouragement to yourself and other Christian wives! In Christian Love,Kassie

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  85. This hit the nail on the head! After reading this, I have realized what things I need to change about being a Godly wife! Loved this!

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  86. It would be really cool to read what your husbands ideas and stuff are. :)

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  87. Divorce is not an option. This is a statement I stand behind and a truth to which I have counseled friends time and time again. And for couples with any prayer of a healthy relationship, it is an absolute truth. God never intended, though, for his children to be in a relationship that causes them harm.

    When I was in my teens and early twenties, I did all the right things. I stayed in church, maintained quiet time with God, and abstained from a sexual relationship with my long-time boyfriend. So you can imagine my surprise, five years later, when I married him and he starting raping me and abusing me. It certainly wasn't what I expected from the same man who sat beside me in church week-in and week-out. It took me years of being savagely abused to allow myself to leave. The obstacle that stood in my way? My fear of being ostracized by God and my Christian family and friends.

    Here's my point. While the biblical model for marriage is true and beautiful and will almost certainly provide the most healthy relationship possible, we need to be careful that we don't mislead the women in our lives to believe that it is a sentence to keep them in an abusive relationship. It is imperative to understand that even if we never say it directly, by implying there is never any acceptable reason to consider ending a marriage, we are shaming too many women into staying in an unhealthy, perhaps even life-threatening, relationship.

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  88. Absolutely enjoyed reading your post! I just love your Godly heart!! All time favorite: The grass may be greener on the other side, but that’s because it’s being fertilized with poo!!! Priceless!!!

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  89. Wonderful just the spiritual food I needed. Well said!

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  90. Thank you for writing this. It was an encouragement to me and I am going to print this off and hand it to my family (who doesn't really do internet). We need more of this in the world. :)

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  91. You don't need years of experience when you use the Bible. This idea that you have to experience it to understand is foolish. We are supposed to learn from the experience of others, chiefly from the word of God. Biblical truth is truth, no matter my own experience level. People say this is too optimistic. Nonsense. The problem is people are too self-centered to listen to the Bible, so their marriages suffer. They become jaded as a result and lash out at people who strive to follow the Bible. It's very ugly and ungodly.

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  92. This is so very true, so glad you posted and now so many are reading it. Thanks for your obedience. God bless

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  93. What a wonderful blog!!! You've got me hooked on this one! So true...God will put in our path what He as chosen, not what we want!

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  94. AMEN Sister girl!!!! Great post! You are so wise!

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  95. I loved this & shared it with my friends & my Hubby! He loved it as well. We are curious if you ever posted what your husband had said during the session.

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  96. My sweet daughter to be sent this to me. We were just talking about being Godly wives. I have failed in many ways but God has blessed me with my husband for 28 years come November 2013. I am so thankful for Eric, he loves me even when I did not love myself. You have the correct way to a Godly marriage and therefore it is the best way. I am so proud of you and for you. And I will be thanking God for you my Sister-in-Christ. And praying His blessings upon you and Jon. Blessing, peace and love

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  97. Thank you for sharing... My husband and I have been married for over 21 years and have 5 children (College Soph, 8th grade, 1st grade, Kindergarten and 4 year old). He's the head of the household and I am the heart. I am still learning how to do this!! I am one of those "strong personalities" you mentioned :) The beautiful thing about submission is the definition of submission - God intervenes... THAT is submission. Trust God. I pray everyday OUT LOUD in front of our children, "God, please give my husband divine spiritual wisdom and knowledge for every decision he makes for our family and our home." Your message was a blessing to me. It's ok that some folks didn't "get it". We didn't "get it" either until God revealed Himself to us. Just keep on keepin' on, Sister! My husband comes before our children and my husband puts me before the children - that doesn't mean we ignore their needs or treat them badly. It means I make time for my husband and he does the same for me... we dress our children together, we all eat dinner together in the evenings, we bathe our children together and we put them to bed together...marriage is team work! God is the Captain. Date nights are important to us. And you don't really have to GO anywhere... we try to date night once a week. Sometimes, we go to dinner and sometimes we sit in our backyard and just talk... we laugh, we reminisce and we plan for the future - ours and our children's. God is good and we are blessed by His mercy (not giving us what we deserve) and His grace (giving us what we don't deserve) everyday. Marriage is work. It is not a fairy tale. John Hagee once said, "Communication to a marriage is like blood to the body - if it all runs out it dies". Happily ever after DOES exist when God is your foundation and FIRST in your life... Does it mean every day is going to be rainbows and unicorns? No... It means you will have a joy in your heart for the one God created especially for you FOREVER - even when you are angry or disappointed or hurt. Happy is surface. Joy is deep. It's our choice and our attitude... is it easy? Not all of the time- but what is? My Maw Maw used to say, "Anything worth having is worth working hard for..." I will work hard for my marriage knowing that my husband is working hard too - and even if he wasn't working hard, it's God's place to show him and guide him, not mine! Thank you, Mrs. Danielle! Keep teaching the scriptures!!

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  98. I enjoyed your post and agree with the majority of it.

    I do hope that you will revisit/update this post when you have had children. I used to feel exactly as you do now when I was newly married/very young. I am sure that you will follow God's word and have many children and I would love to see you revisit this when you have had those children. I truly think the love God gives a mother towards her children is the most pure love you can imagine (but of course I wouldn't have believed that in my youth/prior to having children).

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  99. I loved this. I am not married yet but I do believe I am with the man God chose for me. This is a reminder that I should do this everyday. I look forward to my life with him and I want to be a godly wife.

    Thank you.

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  100. What you have written is true. What I would like to say is that even if you do all of these things, it doesn't always protect your marriage. My husband and I are in ministry and have been married for 13 years. While I am certainly NOT the perfect wife, I tried diligently to live by the principals that you outlined in your blog, but my marriage still fell victim to an affair. My husband became prideful, stopped reading his Bible and praying, and became involved in a month long affair with someone at work. He realized that he had fallen victim to sin and begged my forgiveness. We are reconciling our marriage and working towards serving in ministry again. Keep loving your husbands even when they seem unlovable - this is what Christ commanded us to do! I say all of this to say that just because we "do what we are supposed to do" doesn't mean that our marriages will not fall victim to the enemy. Praise God, however, that He is sovereign and forgives!

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  101. I'm so glad God put this blog in my path today! What a wonderful article. My husband and I just celebrated our 9th anniversary yesterday and I sometimes find myself focusing on the negatives instead of the positives. I plan to print out this post and give it to him as my pledge and plan of action to strive for this next year. Thanks for this wonderful reminder!

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  102. I really enjoyed seeing someone as young as you that still believes this to be true. It gives me hope for my children that are about to graduate and enter the world.

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  103. This is exactly why I wouldn't raise my daughter in an evangelical church. I want her to believe she has the ability to make the most of her life according to her needs and desires, that she is a whole person even without a significant other, that she is equal to men, and that that kind of partnership among equals makes for the best relationships. I would also like her to follow her instincts and use the brain god gave her instead of trying (and failing---come on, you have pretty much all admitted that you fail and feel guilty about it) to develop the type of submission and lack of self-direction and lack of self-knowledge that is being advocated here. It makes me sad.
    I don't know who the person above was talking to about "this is why you're single," but this makes me gag, and I've been with my husband for 11 years and still going strong. In fact, I know very few men who would look for a woman who believes this stuff, even the Christians that I'm friends with. My friends would be creeped out by it and would steer clear of women who thought of themselves this way. Because they hope to find a partner in life, not a subordinate. That's for people who desperately need to have power over somebody else.

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  104. I 100% agree with a previous poster. You are still in the honeymoon phase. To be giving advice this early on seems a bit...premature. But if it's working for you, all the power to you.

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  105. Thank you for sharing God's principles on marriage. I love this post and have shared it with all my friends. :-)

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  106. I am so happy there are other young Christians out there that are still trying to truly live by the Bible. Though the times and society may change the Bible and God's expectations of us will not. As for the women who have commented about not having time to looking nice for their husbands, I am currently a full-time student with regular job and the single mother of a two and three year old. I make healthy eating choices and workout as much as I can, even if it's only thirty minutes a day, but it makes a difference! I am unfortunately divorced because my former husband decided he didn't want the burden of a family and left for another state for a "fresh start". However, I am about to be remarried to a wonderful Godly man who loves my children as his own. I have sought the counsel of my Pastor and Elders throughout my entire divorce even until now to be sure I was following the correct path. I have never been happier and I plan on honoring my future husband exactly as the Bible instructs. I also suggest "Created to Be His Help Meet" by Debbi Pearl. It is this post in book form but very in-depth and a WONDERFUL read!

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  107. Don't 4 and 7 kinda contradict each other? Never say anything negative, but communicate?He can't read your mind, but don't tell him the negative things? How can you work on things to please one another if you aren't allowed to discuss them? If something really bugs you, you should be allowed to vocalize that and if he loves you and wants you to be happy, he would want to know this so he can make it better and vice versa. I get not nagging or tearing him down, but hearing the negatives is just as important as hearing the positives sometimes.

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  108. Thank you for this!!!!

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  109. This is a bunch of crap. If any man ever told me I had to obey him and he treated me like a slave, he would get put in his place. Its sad that some women think they have to be a mans slave. Thats not what marriage is. And kids come before the husband. A grown man can take care of himself, a 3 year old can't.

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    1. If you would marry a man who would treat you like a slave then you have married the wrong person. I submit to my husband because I trust him and know that he has our best interest at heart. I don't always agree but I am not going to put him in his place. He is a grown man and will figure out when something is working, no need for me to rub it in his face. That will obviously not be encouraging to him. If you are constantly competing with your husband for top dog, then you will never be able to conquer the world together!

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  110. This couldn't have came at a better time. Our 1 yr anniversary is coming up this Sunday and this has inspired me to share with him the type of Godly wife that I want and am going to be. Thank you for sharing!!!

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  111. Religion: setting women back 500 years one pageant a time.

    You realize your second rate religion is an amalgamation of religion devised by idiots, right? Not only are Christians a joke, they're pretty stupid too.

    Just look at this tripe.

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  112. I do not agree with a lot of things you posted. Basically you are saying a woman's role is to mind the house while the man protects. Clearly this is society brainwashing you because the word "female" is actually an idealized term. Just because the anatomy of a man and that of a woman are somewhat different, society gives us these distinguishing roles and shows us how to dress and what to think. I believe you should respect your husband and he should respect you of course but women do not need to be housewives anymore. It is 2013 and the bible was written at a time when the world was much more dangerous. It honestly is OK to not literally interpret the bible word for word because it was written by man and also written at a completely different time. Women can be the providers money wise and saying otherwise is quite sexist and offensive. If your husband is too insecure in his masculinity to help around the house I believe you've married the wrong person. My husband and I are feminists which means we believe in equal rights for women not that we are crazy people. We have an excellent marriage because we understand that society shouldn't dictate your marriage because society doesn't always know what is best. I think this post you have written is bad for women and just another reminder of the fact that we as a people still aren't seeing how gender roles are actually a problem. I do hope you have a happy and blissful marriage and if living this way works for you I guess go for it but this is honestly a set back for women.

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  113. I have nothing to add. I wanted to say I looked for these qualities and my wife of 24 yrs is still that way. I will love her forever for being this way. Amen. disagreeing with the Bile won't change the truth!

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  114. I have a hard time accepting what many of your are suggesting that this couple is too 'inexperienced' to provide any amount of substantial advice. So, a teacher who only has three years of experience is too inexperienced to provide educational advice? Perhaps a doctor with only three of years of experience is too unknowledgeable to provide medical advice? Or, a mechanic who has three years of experience is too incompetent to provide mechanical advice? We are not to judge what others are prepared or not prepared to do. That is God's decision. Period. I trust Him to place people in my life who I need or who need me regardless of my opinion about them because it does not matter. God made those decisions for a reason and it is my responsibility, my charge, to listen and serve. No matter the amount of experience, EVERYONE has something to offer.

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  115. Thanks for this thoughtful post, Danielle. My husband and I just celebrated our 5th anniversary and our daughter's 1st birthday. The section about putting our husbands before our children really hit home with me. I never could have imagined the amount of love I would have for my baby, and this is a good reminder to demonstrate the same love and devotion to my husband.

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  116. I love this. I shared it via my friends status. I wish you could have your husband also write up one for men. I want to print it off and put it somewhere I frequently look.

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  117. This is so well written! Thank you, we need more of this going around social media and encouraging our fellow friends and Christians in their marriages! As much as I already have learned about this, you really hit on some great points and took it a little further in explaining in such a wonderful way about submission and ALL the other stuff in this! Truly well written and encouraging..THANK YOU :) God bless you in life and marriage and your relationship with Christ..I'm sure he's smiling down on you right now!

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  118. What an excellent list! It's amazing what God can do it our marriages if we let him. If you haven't read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs I very highly recommend it. It is based in scripture and can be a hard read at times, but it has totally transformed my husband and I's relationship. Thank you for your blog - excellent!

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  119. Darlings, men already have enough privilege in this world without women oppressing our own sisters. We have intelligent thoughts because we're not meant to be Stepford wives. We are at our happiest and most able when we are not constantly second-guessing ourselves and putting our feelings aside. We deserve better than to feel second-rate and to put our well-being at the mercy of a husband. We have beautiful hearts and minds, so let them shine!

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  120. Beautiful post - I think you covered the submission topic wel.

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  121. Best part of this blog (in general): Danielle is freakin' gorgeous, as in "are you kidding me?! Women can be this fine?!" hot. Smokin', blazin', "dude, you better be good to her because there's a line waiting on her" beautiful!!! Whew!!!

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  122. So glad a facebook friend shared this post. What a blessing your words were for me today. After 3 years of marriage these were all good reminders!

    Thank you,

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  123. In theory I agree with everything you said. In reality I put my husband first and submitted to his will and it backfired big time. He pushed us to bankruptcy, and then left for another woman. We were very involved in our church, living a Christian lifestyle, etc. I will always regret putting him before my children. My son, my oldest child, still has nothing to do with me. He has never forgiven me for letting his father have leadership of the family. It also turned him away from Christianity and Christ. My daughters, who were younger, have forgiven me and we are very close. I remember being told, "your children will leave but your husband will still be there." No, my husband left and two of my children are still part of my life.

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  124. I couldn't find your post with your husbands words of a Godly husband?? :(

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  125. Just wondering if you ever posted your husband's answers to this:) Would love to read it also. Thank you for sharing your heart...love this post and think all marriages could benefit from your advice.

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  126. Where is the post for what he said??

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  127. classic case of young girl being brainwashed by a book that is only 2000 years old in the grand scheme of human existence. I want to follow this blog just to see where they are in 10 years.

    10 years ago, I was her. married as a virgin to the man "god chose for me". well, turns out the person you are at 22 and the person you are at 32 are most likely very different people....

    after birthing my first child last year, it is comical to me when women who have never been pregnant or given birth comment on motherhood just wait, darlin. just wait. you will most definitely put your babies above anyone else. if a train is going to hit either your baby or your husband, trust me, you'll grab your baby. no reflection on how you feel about your husband or what kind of relationship you have but that's just mama instinct.

    lastly, what would be your advice for same-sex couples? now THAT would be an interesting post....

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  128. I do not believe in god but it doesn't mean I look badly upon the beliefs of him. I found a few interesting points in this blog that I think will help my future marraige. It made me more confident because me and my fiance both do random things daily for each other because we want to. I agree with the point that most women are very selfish and think deserve alot when they don't work for anything.

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  129. The one thing I remember most about our pre-marital counseling was something similar to the "80/20 Principle" that you mentioned. I remember our counselor asking us, "What do you think ends marriages?" I remember thinking major things - like infidelity or addiction. But, what he said next stuck with me. "It's actually the small stuff..." He went on to say that it's the smaller things that create big things. Maybe you nagging about his socks on the floor or his messiness - he decides to look elsewhere (whether it's a woman or drugs, or something similiar). It really opened my eyes...

    Thanks for sharing - this is great!

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  130. Hey girl! Just came across this and it's so great!! Did you do another post from the husband's perspective (you mentioned you might do that in this one) and if so can you point me in the right direction to find it.

    So excited I found your blog, I will now be a follower.

    ~Tiffany
    http://tiffanyd22.blogspot.com

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  131. I am not married yet.. Nor engaged. But I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over five months. When I quit "searching" for a man to make me happy and started focusing on my relationship with God, He planted him right in my path shortly thereafter, just like you mentioned. It was a total God thing. He was a childhood crush of mine that I had not seen or heard from in nearly 10 years. We ran into each other when we both moved away from home for college and he sought me out after bumping into me and pursued me. I did a lot of praying about it and well, we began dating about five months ago. Anyway... This makes me want to be a Godly girlfriend. It is easy to get infatuated with one another when a relationship is brand new and pull your focus away from God. This made me realize that by exercising these things early on in a relationship, it will become easier to do them automatically down the road. I really enjoyed reading this! Thank you SO much!

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  132. Wow exactly hat I needed to be reminded of so glad I'm not the only Christian wife seeing things this way! Thanks for the encouragement!

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  133. This was so helpful and thank you so much for posting. I have been struggling with number 6 lately and your post has really opened my eyes to what I need to do to be a better wife and Christian.

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  134. PART 1 of 2

    It's sad because I used to believe this. I used to teach this with my husband in newlywed Sunday School. I taught women in my home how to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I followed all the rules. I prayed my heart out. I gave over my entire identity to be his wife. I put god first. I was every single point on the list. We were married for 10 years when he cheated and took off with her. She, a good Christian woman whose husband was a marriage counselor, ran off with my husband. I was left quite literally with nothing but 2 little girls who cried for months.

    You will judge this comment. You will call me negative and hateful. You will say that I am selfish and misguided. That's OK. This is what I have learned in the last 20 years. You are first. YOU are first. YOU are the most important. YOU MUST LOVE YOU FIRST. If I don't love and accept myself, I will never be able to fully dedicate myself to anyone else. I can't be the best mom possible if I don't love myself. I am able to survive and thrive because I focus on me which fills me up to give to others.

    I lost myself in him. When he was gone, I had no identity. All I had ever been was a wife. And before that, all I wanted to be was a good Christian wife. I had no other personality. No strength. No idea how to respect myself. No idea how to make decisions when I didn't have a spiritual leader to take the final say so. And then, I had no church. Because they didn't want anything to do with me either. Obviously, I had not been a good enough wife so he went elsewhere. I didn't keep myself pretty enough and keep the house clean enough. I must have nagged too much or not been affirming enough. I didn't submit to his authority enough and I must have bothered him with all my needs. It had to have been my fault somewhere. I must not have prayed hard enough. I messed up somewhere.

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  135. PART 2 of 2
    The sad part is...I believed every word of that.

    It was my fault. I was a bad wife and bad Christian. I was being punished. How could I, the Sunday School teacher and worship leader and godly wife mentor, how did I mess up so badly? Here's the thing. I WAS wrong. I was wrong because I lost myself. I had no love for myself. I put him first. I put god first. I put church first. I was everything but a good partner to myself. I wouldn't have even wanted me as a wife.

    You'll tell me that not all men are like that. He must not have been a good Christian to begin with. My church was wrong. Not all churches are like that. I'm too pessimistic. There are good men out there. Don't let this turn you away from god and church. And so on and so on. And I understand your urgency in telling me those things. I really do. I don't feel pessimistic when I say that I've seen more of the picture perfect marriages fall apart than I have stay together. It's just the reality that I have seen. They all played by all the rules too. He was the spiritual leader. They prayed together, they worshipped together, they filled the traditional roles. They really did believe it. And the optimism blinded them to reality.

    The reality is that as women we have got to think ahead. Love your husband, love your church and do all the things that are here on this list. But make no mistake, You are valuable all on your own. Know that. Live that. You are not required to be only as good as the man you are married to. You may find yourself alone. Know how to pick up and carry on. Be able to love yourself even when everyone else tells you that you failed. Teach your daughters to be ambitious and strong. Teach them to provide for themselves. Teach them the value of their opinions and their right to make decisions. Teach them that they are not defined by a marriage, should they choose to have one. I pulled myself up. I learned who I truly was when I wasn't simply someone's wife. I was me and I am proud. I don't need anything else. And now that I am re-married, I am still me. I am strong and I am confident. I don't need him and he doesn't need me. We don't define each other. We are a team. We work well together and we enjoy it as much as we love one another. But we won't stay married with simple optimism to keep us afloat. We won't stay married if one of us is the leader. It takes teamwork. And I can't commit to working as a team if I don't love myself first. If I don't have confidence in me all on my own, I can't bring anything to the team. I am raising self-sufficient and strong young women who will make their own choices and they will take responsibility for their own consequences and accomplishments. Loving themselves is the only way to begin to give anything to anyone else.

    So, do your best. Take your shots. I understand that you will tell me you will pray for me. I understand you will say that I need to get back in church. I've been led astray. Satan is attacking me. He's not. I am fully aware of my choices and I respect yours. Some of you will be harsh. Some of you will condemn. It's OK. I'm strong enough to handle it. I have no anger. But I would be remiss if I didn't give a glimpse of the flip side of the perfect matrimonial coin. I respect this author and wish them all the happiness in the world. I wish them a long partnership in whatever way they can make it work. A long marriage is a rarity in this world and it does us all good to see two happy people make it there.

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  136. Thank you so much for writing this. I've been praying for guidance, for God to show me the path I should go because of my husband. Your post helped me so incredibly much to see what I am doing wrong in my marriage. Not that he is free of faults, but as you wrote, that is not between us but between him and The Lord! Thank you again and I look forward to reading more from you, strengthing my relationship with God and my husband. xoxox

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  137. This is a great post! I really needed this and cannot wait to start putting this advice into action! Thank you!

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  138. This is such a wonderful post. It is also extremely encouraging to read. As a successful, attractive, young woman, people always joke with me that "I have it all" which is not the case at all. I feel torn inside by watching all of my friends who are becoming married and I am not even dating. Do not get me wrong, I am extremely happy for them and they deserve the world... I WANT them to have the world. But, I can't lie, it is extremely hard watching them have what I so long for. Also, when you had written to not "seek a spouse" because that's how "baggage and regrets" come about... Wow. Literally "wow" is what popped into my mind. So many younger women of my generation (as well as myself) are rushing into relationships with whoever because they want to feel the "fairytale" love that we see in the movies. You just hit the nail on the head. I will be sharing this post with several of my friends and I will be printing it out and taking notes on it as well. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I've known several of the points you've made; but, some of the points I had never looked at in your perspective. Once again, thank you and I will be bookmarking your page and checking your posts regularly!

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  139. I would like to know where you got the poster. It would make a great wedding gift.

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  140. "We are called to submit to our husbands as to the Lord."
    I definitely disagree with that. No other human being deserves the sincere devotion I have for God. Do you realize how dangerous this suggestion can be? Not only is it a wrong concept per se, it also lends itself to some harmful degenerations.
    Why do I think the concept is wrong? Because my fiancé would never want me to accept everything he says and does as the Truth - he doesn't want a devoted, submitted disciple by his side, but a human being with enough sense, maturity and independence to speak her own mind and question him when he's wrong.
    Your statement can be applied to committment and faithfulness, for sure; but in that case it should be mutual. I commit to him 100% just like he commits to me, 100%. No one should submit - it's such a wrong, ancient word! Girls, we have come a long way since A.D. 62, when the Book of Ephesians was written and addressed to the townsfolk of Ephesus, a Roman colony in Turkey. At that time, the condition of women was very close to that of modern-day Muslim women. Muslim society does nothing but acknowledge a principle similar to the one you've stated ("Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them." 4:34).
    Again, I'm not saying you implied this. But it is a very easy exaggeration of the concept of submission as you meant it. God does not want me to be a "perfect wife". God wants me, first and foremost, to be a person who never treads on her own priorities, independence and dignity - humlity, kindness, and unselfishness come as consequences of being an autonomous, self-determining individual.
    Also, many households are so "out of order" not because women are "trying to rule the roost", but because man take advantage of submitted women in many wrong, violent ways. And the woman submits to him without being able to break free, maybe even because she is so sure that God himself has put this man on her path.
    I was raised in a Christian household and I'm Catholic myself. But I believe what you said, and the way you said it, goes against what women have conquered in terms of equality and independence in the last 19 centuries or so. Religion is not anachronistic - the word of God is always true, it's up to us to learn new ways to grow out of obsolete social conventions, which change over time and are 100% a result of OUR much too literal interpretation of scriptures.
    I hope I was not offensive in any way, I just wanted to express my point of view!

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  141. Very well said and great words to live by! Earmarked to remind myself to try to be a more Godly wife. One thing that my childhood preacher told me was that to follow the pyramid effect. The closer we both are to God, the closer we are to each other. The further away from God we get, the further we are apart from each other.
    God
    ^
    Husband Wife

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  142. Great post! I really needed this reminder to strive to be a Godly wife. I now have you earmarked on blogs I follow. One thing that has always stuck with me from marriage counseling was that as long as you are both growing toward God, you are growing toward each other. The further apart you get from God, the further you are from each other.

    God
    ^
    Husband Wife

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  143. Great article and Godly advice for us women!

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  144. Hey :) great post! did you post jonathans thoughts? I couldn't find it!

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  145. I really really liked your post on being a Godly wife. It was awesome. ALL the youth girls and I could go on for hours talking about being like the virtuous woman in proverbs, and being a Godly wife someday... I also really liked your "dress up" posts here you had a dark tan. :) we have spoken about being who the Father has created you to be and loving that Amazing one of a kind you! I love the scripture,Psalm 139:14-18

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  146. Wowwww!!! I am Amazed!!! Being a Muslim woman people think we SERVE our husbands because we are forced to. But the truth is that we only follow God's instructuons to love and respect our husbands. I really enjoyed the read. Its exactly what a wife's responsibility is. If we fulfill it properly then our husband's will return the favour as well.

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  147. This is an amazing article! I am getting married in 55 days and can't wait to reference back to this as I strive to be a good wife!

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  148. You're awesome! Need I say more...

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  149. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE every word & thank you for sharing ur very OWN personal experience & opinion on how a woman should conduct herself. Just curious if you got around to posting on what Jonathon said that got everyone all chocked up.
    Take care, be sweet & GOD Bless

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  150. I have two problems with this post,
    First: Don't four and seven contradict each other? 4) "speak edifying words only" " Don't talk bad about him to his face..." Then number seven "Communicate" "don't expect him to be a mind reader" One of the most important things to communicate not only in a marriage, but in any type of relationship if it's your husband, brother, co-worker, whoever, is problems. This means telling them "you have a problem" which isn't edifying is it? But it's necessary. No relationship will survive if you don't let the other person know your issues with them. One reason why I think my relationship with my parents is so strong is because I'm allowed to tell them when they do wrong or hurt my feelings, and they listen. However, I will say only speak edifying works IN PUBLIC. Like my parents say "praise in public, criticize in private" Don't call them out in front of their friends or family, you don't want someone doing that to you and they don't want you to do that to them. But privately, let them know if they do something wrong, so they can work on it.
    Secondly: "The wife’s job is to be inside the home, supporting her husband by managing the household..." Wait a minute, hold up right there. Where is your biblical citation for this statement? Have you ever actually read Proverbs 31, remember the part where the women when out and sold cloths, also remember Deborah? She was a judge, she had a job outside the home. I think this a reason why people think that Christians haven't found out that we live in the 21st century. While, it's total fine for women to say some, and be house makers, I'm not saying anything against that. Women biblical Godly women, also can have jobs outside of the home and be in God's will.

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  151. A southern ditz who's a submissive blithering idiot, that's a shock. The sad part is how low the bar for entry to a college education is nowadays. Southerners, always an embarrassment to our country.

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  152. Hello! I must say this is the best "Biblical marriage" post I have seen. Great job with keeping your advice timeless, and not pigeonholing women into stay-at-home housewives who should blindly follow their husbands' lead "because the Bible says so." Great work!

    Also, I'm sorry that other folks have questioned your ability to give sound advice. The Bible says that GOD gives us wisdom...NOT age or experience. The wisdom you've put out there on this post is Biblically sound and clearly inspired by more than just your own thoughts on marriage.

    Again, great job, and thanks for such a wonderful road-map to a great marriage!

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