Monday, July 2, 2012

Being a Godly Wife

A few weeks ago, our preacher asked us to come mentor and share with a young couple during one of their marriage counseling sessions. He had several couples in various stages of their marriage come in, and we were the "newlywed" couple. Isn't that a great idea?
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I was very humbled and honored, but honestly, I felt very unworthy. I know a LOT of the right things to say. I have sat under some incredible teaching on marriage. I have been part of some awesome Bible studies, been mentored by some phenomenal women of the Lord, and been taught what it means to be a Godly wife. But, there are still a LOT of areas I really, REALLY need to work on and improve so I can be a better wife to Jonathan. I know that nobody is perfect, but there are so many areas where I fall short. 

Here are some things I shared that I also plan to REALLY start refocusing on in my own marriage so I can be a better wife. I have a feeling this post will not go over very well with a lot of people, as I know these are not popular thoughts (especially in today’s society). However, they are Biblical truths, and as believers, we are to adhere to the WORD and not to this world’s standards. So, I’m going to share what’s on my heart about being a Godly wife. I’m mostly writing this as a reminder to myself anyway. Whether you are dating, engaged, a newlywed, or have been married for years, these principles can help you be a more Godly wife when the time comes. (Obviously marriage is a two way street and the husband has his own extremely important roles in marriage to make it successful. This is simply focusing on what the Bible says about being a godly wife.)

I guess I should really start this out as a letter to myself. So here goes.

Dear Danielle,

1. Keep God first, your husband second.
Your relationship with the Lord should ALWAYS take priority in your life, and you should always be striving to seek Him. When you do that, the rest of your priorities are more likely to be in order. Make time for quiet time, reading the Word, and spending time in prayer so you can have the right heart and attitude throughout the day. And notice who comes second. Not you (selfish). Not your parents, family, friends, kids, job, hobbies, etc. Your HUSBAND is next. God wants it that way for a reason. A lot of households are out of order because lots of wives put their children before their spouse, and that is not the way that God designed the family. Eventually, children leave. God entrusts them with us temporarily to raise up in a Godly home, so they can go out and multiply and do the same. But that’s just it…they leave, and you are left with your spouse. That’s why so many marriages crumble when the kids are grown; couples lose sight of focusing on their own relationship and marriage and make the kids the sole priority. Kids LOVE to see their parents in love (even if they act like they don’t). It is really beneficial for them to see displays of affection and parents honoring one another and putting one another first. It teaches them the foundations of marriage so they will hopefully duplicate that healthy relationship in the future. It is our job to set a Godly example of marriage for our kids and model for them the type of marriage we hope for them to have. Be the kind of wife you want your daughter to be, and the kind of wife you want your son to marry.
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2. Understand the covenant.
Marriage is not a promise, a contract, an agreement, or anything temporary. It is a covenant, and covenants are NOT to be broken. When you say your vows, you are vowing not only to your husband, but also to God and before Him. I have a copy of our wedding vows in my Bible, and I pull them out and read them sometimes. It’s such a good reminder. The Bible says it is better to not make a vow at all than to make a vow to God and break it. In a society where divorce is the easy answer and common practice, we seem to have lost the understanding of the seriousness of marriage. It is not meant to be a rash decision made based on emotions or feelings. And divorce is not an easy way out like we think it is. God developed marriage, and it is so precious to Him. (That is exactly why Satan wants to attack the sanctity of marriage and destroy the family unit.) God chose your spouse for you before you were even born. He hand-picked that person especially for you, and you especially for him! Is that not the coolest thing?? (I seriously tear up every time I think about that!) That is why I always teach my SS girls they don’t have to go out seeking a spouse. If they stay in His will, He will put that person RIGHT in your path. That’s how so many of us end up with ‘baggage’ and regrets….we try to force our own future rather than trusting God and His perfect timing. Now, does that mean it’s going to be easy?  No. Marriage takes commitment, work, selflessness, and lots of grace and forgiveness. God expects us to put effort into our marriage. It is a gift from him, and we should treasure that by taking exceptional care of it. When things get tough, that’s time to cling to Him, the Word, and each other. Not time to bail.
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3. Submit.
Oh boy, here we go. I can remember being a little girl (probably middle school age) and  hearing someone tell me the Scripture in Ephesians that calls women to submit to their husbands. My reaction then was much like most women and like the world’s view of submission. I remember saying “There is NO WAY I’m going to be some man’s slave and stay at home and cook and clean for him!” It was not until I sat through a Bible study on the book of Ephesians that I truly understood submission. Submission is not meant for bad…it’s meant to give us more freedom actually. We have such a negative connotation of the word because we do not fully understand it. We are called to submit to our husbands as to the Lord. (This does not mean we are a door mat or should tolerate abuse of any kind. That is not at all what submission means.) Another reason our households are so out of order is because so many women are trying to rule the roost and wear the pants in their relationship. That is not how we’re made or equipped. Even if you have a ‘stronger’ personality than your husband, HE is still called to be the leader of your home. This is how I was taught, and this visual clicked and made perfect sense. The husband’s job is to be the spiritual leader of the home…..to protect from the enemy and to provide for the family. He is to stand in the doorway of the home with the whole armor of God on to keep the enemy out. The wife’s job is to be inside the home, supporting her husband by managing the household and praying for him. God did not equip women to fulfill the man’s role, and vice versa. I know we live in a very feminist society, and I am not saying we’re not meant to be 50/50. (Actually, I believe marriage is 100/100!). Jonathan helps me out around the house a lot, and I also contribute financially. We make decisions together. We just need to understand God equipped each of us to have a role within marriage and the family, and when one is trying to serve in the other’s role, things are out of whack from the way God designed it to be.
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4. Speak edifying words only.
Women are the world’s worst to get together and “husband bash” …and almost have a competition to see whose hubby has the worst faults. It is NOT acceptable to talk negatively about your husband to others. No excuses. We should always speak edifying words about him and be building him up to others (even if there are things about him that drive you BONKERS!!). Now don't get me wrong. There will be issues, and I do believe in communicating to your husband openly about that (see # 7) after praying first. I just know that it is so tempting to get sucked into complaining about things our hubbies do or don't do to others. YES, all of our men do things we may not love. However, by nagging them or complaining to our girlfriends about it, that is NOT going to bring about change. We especially have to be careful talking negatively about our spouse to our family because it can change their opinion of them, and there is no undoing that. Sometimes we just may be mad temporarily, but that is not something they can erase from our family's minds as easily. Always, always talk to God about it before you open your mouth to anyone else. Lots of times you’ll see that is enough “venting” to make you feel better. Do not tear your husband down to his face or behind his back. And on that note, it IS okay to PRAISE your husband. If he works hard, let him know you appreciate it. If you love that he always makes your coffee, give him some praise for that. If he’s an AWESOME dad, let him know you think so. Whatever it is that you love or appreciate about him, TELL HIM. (It’s funny how that works…men seem to thrive off praise and it makes them want to do more good things for you!) The Bible tells us our words either bring life or death. Speak LIFE over our husband.

5. Manage the home like the Proverbs 31 woman.
Learn this Scripture. Study it. Meditate on it. Strive to be like the woman described in this passage. Ask the Lord to reveal you what each of these things may look like in your life. We are called to be the managers of our home, and the atmosphere of our homes is often determined by our attitudes, words, actions, and reactions. 

6. Do it anyway.
There are lots of things we don’t want to do, and even though we enter into marriage claiming unconditional love, our actions reflect a very conditional basis. We want to cook him dinner when he does nice things for us first. We only want to compliment him when he compliments us. If he doesn’t do this, we won’t do this….That’s not how it works. Your husband may not always be fulfilling his role, but that is between him and God. It i s NOT our job as wives to correct or discipline our husband. We are created to be his help meet; not his Holy Spirit; not his mama. We are his wife. His companion. You should do things for your husband because he is your husband, NOT because of things he is or isn’t doing for you. Of course it’s easier to want to do nice things for him when he seems to notice and appreciate them, but he may not. Do them anyway, because ultimately you are seeking to please the Lord, so think of it as being obedient in serving the Lord if nothing else. Serving your husband on a conditional basis is selfish and immature, and that does not honor or glorify God in any way. Our role as a wife is ultimately to bring God glory through our marriage, so we must choose to to view that responsibility as if we are working for the Lord. 

7. Communicate.
He is not a mind reader, and it’s not fair to expect him to know or understand your wants/needs or what you’re thinking if you don’t TELL HIM. This is such a simple concept, but so many disagreements result from a lack of communication. Learn to communicate with him. Ask him questions. Listen. And don’t nag/fuss/yell. (That wont accomplish much anyway other than driving a wedge between you.) TALK. Like a normal person. We also need to put the phones/laptops down to acknowledge him when he is talking. Don't we like that type of respect demonstrated for us?
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8. Remember the 80/20 principle.
Do not put yourself in compromising positions. PROTECT your marriage. There is no reason to ever be alone with anyone of the opposite sex. Be careful with social media and be cautious in friendships. The grass may be greener on the other side, but that’s because it’s being fertilized with poo. You married your spouse because he probably had about 80% of the qualities you wanted in a man. Lots of affairs happen because people are seeking to find someone else to fulfill that 20% their spouse is lacking, and they don’t realize the 80% they are throwing away in doing that! If you will focus on building up your husband for that 80% and focus on his STRENGTHS (rather than focusing on the 20% & weaknesses….nagging, trying to change him, etc.), you will both be SO much happier. Be content with what you have. It’s all about your attitude and perspective…think about what you are choosing to focus on. If you are constantly telling him things he is doing wrong and things you wish he’d change or do differently, you are tearing him down. It may help to write out all the things you love about your husband. If you don’t have a very long list, maybe you should blame that on the person in the mirror. After all, you’re the one who married him, right?
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9. Strive to please him.
This is tough for us girls too. We tend to be self-centered and are more concerned about if our husbands are "meeting our needs." We think we ‘deserve’ so many things.  Imagine how happy it would make your husband if you tried to cook meals he likes, talk about and take interest in things that interest him, and do things with him that he likes to do. He would probably be tickled to death!! Yes, you may HATE watching basketball, but that’s not the point. The point is the man you love loves watching it. When you are willing to sacrifice with the small things like that, I truly believe that helps his love grow deeper for you and it will return tenfold in some way. This also means taking care of yourself. Exercise, eat healthy, and try to dress up for him sometimes. No, I’m not saying you have to be a little trophy wife, but if you take care of yourself, you’ll feel more confident and desirable, and you will both benefit from that. Lots of women “let themselves go” after getting married and having kids. (I know, lots of husbands do that too…I don’t think that’s okay for them either). I want to take care of myself for Jonathan.

10. Cover him in prayer.
We should pray for our husband every.single.day. No excuses, ever.  He NEEDS your prayer. Think again about his role as the head of the household. Since marriage is so sacred to God, you know the enemy is going to be constantly trying to attack, which means our husband is constantly battling spiritual warfare. He needs for you to cover him in prayer daily to help him stay strong. Pray for his thoughts, his mind, his attitude, his relationship with the Lord, etc. If there is something you would like to see change in your husband, start asking God to do a work in his life. Prayer is POWERFUL. I take my role in praying for Jonathan very seriously and I make sure he knows that.

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I truly believe if we focus on being the BEST wives we can be for our husbands, God will honor that and your husband will step his game up as well. Even if he doesn’t, our goal should be to live a life that is holy and pleasing to the Lord. If nothing else, do it out of obedience to Him.

Praying the Lord will bless you in your marriage.

Any advice you’d like to share?

Anything you’ve learned about being a Godly wife??

689 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Wow.... I personally needed that reminder but I am saddened to see so many negative posts about it. Honestly I never understand, if you dont like what you are reading STOP reading it. Come on people, why bash others for trying to be positive? If you dont agree , thats fine, you are entitled to your feelings & opinions, but its not ok to resort to criticism and mean comments.
Seriously, why cant people just edify and not bring others down.... :( makes me really sad that something so postive for this girl turned into a discussion of negativity.
Im sorry if I hurt anybodys feelings.

Erika

Anonymous said...

Why would you say such a thing about someone you dont even know? How sad.

Anonymous said...

Amen!!! If we serve our husbands because God calls us to.

Anonymous said...

So I don't understand if your with someone and they start letting themselfs go and they hit you call you names make funny of you for things that are personal are you still supposed to honor them be with them and still do nice things for them?

pinksheep said...

seriously... that is a pathetic and disrespectful response.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate some of the things you have expressed in this post, and certainly the earnest, sincere heart with which you have written them. However, I worry that this type of advice could basically be summed up as "Wives, be perfect, all the time in everything. Do it all. Strive and labor. Do, do, do, do." Instead of "be" - which is the title of the blog, "Being a godly wife." There's something to be said for simply being committed to God, committed to your marriage covenant, and then resting in the security that brings. I'm not suggesting "let yourself go", but what about all the wives who aren't capable of pulling this off? Wives who are disabled? Who are ill? Who get punched around by the unexpected traumas of life and can't "perform" all the time? Jesus said His yoke is easy and His burden light. Beyond totally honoring the covenant to God and spouse, the rest of this list makes me feel tired just reading it. I feel that sometimes we make Christianity into a self-help/self-improvement addiction, like "yes you can be the perfect wife, just do these 10 things", instead of BE free to just BE who you are in Christ because that person is already beautiful and satisfying and delightful to God and will also be all of those things to your husband also as He sees you thru the eyes of Christ Jesus. I think your advice #1, 2, & 7 sums it all up nicely and simplifying your life and your counsel to those 3 might take some of the burden off yourself and others. If we're totally surrendered to Christ (#1), He's going to work out all those other things for each person in His gentle way and in the time-frame in which each woman is able to accept a new challenge in their faith walk. He doesn't overwhelm us with everything at once. His Spirit will lead us gently into greater refinement.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts exactly. "The wife’s job is to be inside the home, supporting her husband by managing the household and praying for him." Excuse me? Many of us have talents outside the home, and we should not be made to feel inferior because we want to use them. I have a brain too, and I will not let that take a backseat to my husband's brain "just because." This column reads right out of the 1950s, and women have fought so hard for important change since that time.

Please do not take this advice blindly, otherwise you may very well find yourself rationalizing yourself into an unfair, and possibly abusive, situation. If you find yourself in a terrible marriage, don't just say "I'm not doing the right things."

Queenie Bernard said...

PIC just read your blog on marriage for the first time and totally agree and can add a couple of numbers to your list. I've been married 29yrs to the same man who had custody of his two children when we married. We had two more children.
I have learned ALOT during our marriage and I totally understand how couple divorce after children leave home and after so many yrs.
1. Though marriage is an emotional relationship...when discussing a matter..leave the emotions out and be factual. Men are usually not emotional creatures and are uncomfortable with emotions. So give your emotions to God and then discuss with facts and clear expectation.
2. Expect change. Human development says we are and will change so we need to expect and be flexible with your spouse and the change that will occur. Try to embrace aspects of your spouse you did not know existed as something new and exciting. I went from a stay home mom and a young girl of 20 when we married to raising children, going to college and getting a 4 yr degree, and working full time. Lots of change!
3. Couples Planning a future is good and gives you goals to work towards however, God has a plan for your family through the individual plan for you and your spouse. Remember..whether God is a part of your marriage or not..God plan for someone's life will always take precedence over your own plans..pray and embrace the plan.
Thank you.
Queenie Bernard

Unknown said...

Thank you so much. I so needed this!

Unknown said...

Ew. What is wrong with all of you? #6 actually makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Have a little self-respect. No matter who it is, husband or someone else, NEVER do something that makes you feel uncomfortable just to please someone else.
You are not on this planet to serve other people.

Krista said...

I love this post! I ran across it on FB and had to GOOGLE where it originated from. I shared it with many of my friends. I'd still like to hear what Big Jon said. I can't find it on your blog. Please share.

Nicole said...

Did you ever write a post about what your husband shared? If so could you post a link here?

Anonymous said...

You said exactly what I wanted to say- but in a more graceful manor. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

SERIOUSLY? "Maybe you nagging about his socks on the floor or his messiness" or maybe what ends the marriage isn't YOU nagging for those things but is HIM DOING THEM. For God's sake- you really think you need to submit to a man and never complain about dirty socks on the floor? I know RIGHT NOW that no one, NO ONE will ever live a fulfilling life being the wife this article lines out. This advice is a set-up for divorce.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I came across this. It really makes me think and realize what I need to do to be the wife God wants me to be.

Anonymous said...

I pray you and your husband can recommit! Good luck and keep praying.

No, thank you. said...

I pray for you because I pray for myself. I find myself in the middle of your story now. Love and happiness to you

Unknown said...

I am not married. I have been divorced and all the things a woman should not be, I was. I needed to read this and to know where my place is, if I am blessed to get a second chance at love with the man God has in mind for me. I will save this and do my best to live this way.

Anonymous said...

First off, this post is a blessing. God always uses different ways to speak to us. I am a christian, have been all my life. When i was 17 years old my family was hit with a tragic loss. In one year I lost over 8 family members in different months. Including my father. The church I had grown up with turned their backs on us because they started teaching things that weren't in the bible and we were outcasted. That moment changed my life, not for the good. As a human you have different emotions for different situations thrown your way. However, God allows for this to happen to test our love and faith for him. To teach us without him we are nothing. During that time I met my husband. We fell in love, we both had gone through our share of struggles in our own personal life, him having an alcoholic father growing up never showing affection to his wife and children. Me on the other hand, I had the best father anyone could ask for. A father who loved his wife and children and feared the lord. So when we got married, it wasnt all 'roses' we had kept things bottled in from our pasts personal lives that affected the decisions we made. I stepped out of my marriage because I thought my husband didn't love me enough, because the church i had grown up in turned their back when we most needed them, that made me have trust issues with people and not believe there was good intentions anyone I knew. My husband had a hard time showing affection because he didn't grow up in a 'loving' environment therefore he didn't know how to show it because it was new to him. We seperated last fall and have been living apart. This was my 'crossroad' do I give up? Or do I trust in the lord, ask him for forgiveness, repent and trust in him. Trust he is in control of my life and marriage. As human beings we have doubts, we get scared. That is all perfectly normal. As Christians God has left a 'manual' ( the word of God) to help us whether the storms that come in our life time. So when we seperated, I chose to get closer to God. Something I hadn't done the entire time I was married. Negativity and all bad thoughts come from the devil. He tries to take our joy, tries to instill fear and doubt. The way to avoid or get rid of that is only through Jesuschrist. I have gotten closer to God and begged him to save my marriage, begged him to give me peace for my husband and I and to guide our lives and be the wife and husband HE wants us to be. I am working on my marriage with my husband, and when you ask God for anything in prayer he answers. Even though my husband says he doesn't want to go to church, it is through OUR testimony that the lord can change the hearts of our husbands. It doesn't matter how long you've been married, if you don't have the right attitude and are negative and a pessimist you are only allowing room for the devil to take control. Pray to God to help you be optimistic. We as Christians walk by faith, God wants us to have faith in him, as little as a grain of mustard. He will do the rest. I am working hard to let God save my marriage and he sees that, because i see it in the way my husband is as opposed to how he was. I am grateful for that because I know the lord will finish what he has started. I hope this was of help to anyone going through a difficult time in their marriage, don't give up. God didn't give up on us and we fail him all the time. His love is big and is love is endless. So we need to learn to forgive because we have not sacrificed nearly as much ad what God did for us when he died on the cross so we could have everlasting life. (For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.)- Jeremiah 29:11

Unknown said...

I too saw this posted to a friend's facebook timeline, Danielle I know God put this in my path tonight! Thank you for sharing. For those people that decided to give an opinion, especially a negative one, you fail to understand that God is speaking to you! The length of time they have dated and been married has absolutely nothing to do with this young lady sharing her ideals and beliefs in her blog. God put every single word on this post through her, forget where she has been or what she has done and read the message being delivered by a faithful God!!!! Danielle obviously serves him in a manner I want so badly to acheive in my own life and marriage, enjoy the fact that God gave you this message through her!!!! Look for the positive in the message and use it to let your light for God to shine as brightly as this young Christain couple does!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely beautiful!

hpoe84 said...

Danielle, this was an awesome reminder to me! It is so encouraging to know that there are other women out there, in this day and age, that have the same viewpoint of what a wife is supposed to be! I will pray for you because I know this isn't easy, I also know this isn't popular! You are correct, so many women do wear the pants in the family. Men need to step up and women need to kindly step into their position, and before I get lambasted for that statement, God never intended the role of a wife to be demeaning, it's a beautiful thing, and when done correctly I believe there is harmony in the marriage! It excites me to think about the role God intended a wife to have! Love it! Love you sweet sister in Christ!

Anonymous said...

I linked to this post this morning through Pinterest, and let me tell you, I think that I really needed it. Thank you so much for sharing! Your words definitely reflected something that the Lord has been trying to show my heart and that I have really been struggling with.

Anonymous said...

Jamie Webster (Florida) Thank you Danielle for your wisdom and advice. It is great to be reminded of the things we already know sometimes. Somehow we can easily forget some of the MOST IMPORTANT things to remember. Thank you again. And you and Jonathan are adorable!

Unknown said...

Best article I have read on marriage. What great, BIBLICAL advice. Thank you for wanting to preserve what this world is constantly trying to tear down. I have been married for about 6 months now and I am going to read this often to remind myself of all of the things I should be doing as a wife. Thank you for writing such a great article :).

Lauren

hpoe84 said...

Danielle, what a beautiful reminder of who we are supposed to be as wives! My husband and I have been married for 5 years and I still fully believe your view to be completely true! I will be praying for you that you continue to stay strong in your viewpoint and that you continue to strive to be this wife! I think you're right, that in this day and age, a lot of women wear the pants in the family! I think it's time for men to step up and for women to step into their role as a wife! Now let me say, God did not intend for that role to be demeaning! When done correctly, I believe it's a beautiful thing! The devil and society are trying to come in and make everything God intended for God, they are trying to make bad! I would also like to point out, our Pastor just preached a sermon on the the Wives being submissive and he pointed out that the husbands have to also be submissive, but to God. They have to answer to God for how they handle their wife and household. God wants the BEST for us! He has the best for us if we will only allow Him to give it to us (Jer. 29:11). I will be praying for you my sweet sister in Christ! STAY STRONG!!! (Phil. 1:9-11)

Anonymous said...

Jamie Webster (Florida) again- Oh my gosh. I can't believe all of the criticizing comments! People, if you don't want the advice, don't take it. The more you criticize, the more criticizing events you will bring into your life. Try to be peaceful. Within yourself that is. When you criticize someone else you're bringing turmoil to yourself. Think about it...when you're complaining about what is wrong, do you feel good? That is turmoil. Let it go. In the scope of your happiness, it doesn't matter what one amazing woman has to say about marriage. If you do not agree with it, simply remove yourself from it and find something that makes you feel good and @ peace on the inside.........

Anonymous said...

Ditto to the above comment.

Anonymous said...

As far as #4 & #7 contradicting each other... perhaps the key is how to communicate. Yelling at hubby about what he did is far different than kindly telling him that what he did really hurt and here is why. Also, most of what she said in #4 is related to what you say to others about him. Yes, ladies, we do need to tell our men what they can do better, but kindly.
To the lady who wrote this post, God bless you with a long and happy marriage! I'm only married 3.5 yrs, have an 18 mo old whom we both love dearly, but I absolutely agree with keeping hubby first. It can be so easy to forget that he has needs too,especially when you've had a trying day and all you wanna do when he walks in the door is hand sonny to him and say "here, have a son!" :) Thank-you for writing this.
Just to clarify, my man is awesome at taking over with sonny especially when he sees I've had a really big day. Not that the little guy gives him any choice... he LOVES his daddy!

Dave and Jordin said...

This is such an amazing article. Thank you for saying the things we avoid talking about as women. I think you are right on - if our society would get behind you, the world would be different. The people who have commented before me are saying you are wrong, but obviously the way the 'world' views men and women isn't helping the divorce rate!!!

I look forward to your future posts :) Thanks again!

Dave and Jordin said...

I just want to say that this blog post is AMAZING! Thank you for saying the things we avoid talking about as women. The people who have commented before me say you are wrong - but obviously the way the 'world' views men and women isn't helping the divorce rate!

I'm going to follow your blog - thanks again! LOVED IT!

Karen Hammons said...

Angela - Thank you for putting your heartbeat out here like this. As I was reading your words I was cheering "YES!!!" because everything you shared was right on target. We as women were given a brain and an individuality to live fully from - not to pass to the side once we slip a ring on. Thank you for being a much needed voice in this discussion. And many kudos to you for picking up the pieces and creating something truly beautiful from it. Wishing you all the best in your now and in your future!!

Unknown said...

I LOVE this post! Thank you for sharing; I needed to read this (ran across it on Pinterest :)) I will definitely be coming back to read it again and again to remind myself of what is most important. I really appreciate this advice and encouragement. A lot of what I read are things I'm currently trying to work on as well and it helped to see someone else share on it :)
I especially liked reading about not complaining about your husband/boyfriend behind their back. I am guilty of this, and getting a reality check will help me to never do this again.

-Katie

Anonymous said...

Im sorry but you are a disgrace to all women. "Another reason our households are so out of order is because so many women are trying to rule the roost and wear the pants in their relationship." ...So what? Many men nowadays actually ENJOY playing the role of stay-at-home-dad and not only want but ENCOURAGE their wives to follow their dreams career-wise and chase their goals. A woman who feels the need to stay at home playing dress-up, baking pies and "not letting herself go" is a woman who will inevitably build resentment in the end. It's really unfortunate that you're encouraging young women to abide by this grossly outdated expectation of women. Many Christian women "rule the roost" of their household with nothing but support and appreciation from their husbands for doing so. It's too bad that you're living in the stone age and preaching that this is wrong-- i'd hate to know what kind of lessons you'll be preaching to your own daughter :/

Anonymous said...

What if the husband brings years of porn addiction into the marriage and lied about it beforehand? What if the wife has done everything she could over the course of ten or more years to help him or change herself because something must be wrong with her right? What if she was pretty much abqndoned to go it alone wihin the marriage?

Lets be clear. I agree with everything said except in certain situations.

Kelly said...

YES I love this. So true. The Bible is so subjective and it's unfair to create "rules of marriage" based on an ancient book MADE BY MEN.

Anonymous said...

I agree with 100% of her article, and I believe the Bible 100%. All of this advice is sound and biblical. I am a selfless wife and person. I cook breakfast every day and dinner at least five days a week, and I am talking nice, healthy but hearty dinners and desserts from scratch, but my husband would just as soon have a sandwich and chips. I cook because my father, who lives with us, needs to eat well because of his health issues, But my husband doesn't really like spending a lot of money on groceries or dirtying up dishes all the time. Even though I do all the meal planning and preparation and dishes, he likes to say where everything in the kitchen will go cabinets, etc. he never thanks me for a meal, or compliments things I prepare, though he goes on about the things his mother and father cook. He often finishes dinner first, then leaves the table to smoke. I am physically attractive, wear make-up, etc, but my husband never compliments me on my looks or any of my attributes. As far as getting dressed up, he doesn't notice when I do. I bought a new dress, shoes and jewelry and did my nails for his work Christmas party the year before he lost his job and a new dress last Valentines Day. (It's not often I shop like that, but wanted to look nice for him). But he did not notice and made no comments on either occasion, no compliments at all. We left the Christmas party early because he got mad when I got upset because I wanted to have someone take our picture, but we never did, because he wasn't interested. I work outside the home because I have to. My husband lost his job 8 months ago and it takes almost half my monthly income to pay the mortgage. In addition to working a full time job and assisting my disabled father, cooking and dishes, I clean, do laundry, pay bills, care for our pets and am taking an on-line graduate course. My husband never acknowledges any if it. I am generous with affection, but get none in return; generous with praise, but get none in return. Sometimes I long for him to say I deserve a break and treat me to a day off or a back rub. He did rub my feet once a few months ago and he did take my father to a medical appointment today, but when I ask for affection or sex, he says "don't start that crap" or gets angry and yells and knocks things over and changes the subject to make believe problems so we won't have to address the issue I ask about. There is little to no intimacy, no romance, no passion. I have not had a vacation for 13 years (no vacation since being with my husband) and no honeymoon and we only do activities or go places he wants to go. I am smart, fun, compassionate and have a great sense of humor and am willing to have sex at any time, which I have told him is every husband's dream, but he can take it or leave it, but mostly leaves it and we also do not sleep together at night. He has been great about my dad moving in and making sacrifices in that department and even took a marriage class with me at our church, but for the most part, I am unfulfilled in our relationship. Even for the vow renewal service we had at the end of our class, I had on a new skirt, pretty blouse and heels, but he never told me I looked nice, and when all the other couples were holding hands or had their arms around each other, he did not offer to touch me. There is so much more I could say, but won't. I feel like I am sharing a home with a male relative. I really don't know what the answer is, except I did marry the wrong person.

Caitlin M. said...

I fall into the young category (barely out of my 20's) but I have a lot of road behind me. I've actually be in an abusive relationship. I was married strait out of college and went through years of living hell! I know what it means to be stuck in an abusive situation. So I know first hand about this. The advise Danielle gives can be twisted to manipulate someone, however, it does not create abused women! The same advice can also help women get out of an abusive situation. (I would know!) My abuser certainly did try to use submission to hold me, he tried to tell me that I couldn't get away and that this was as good as my life would ever get. He tried to tell me how I was a horrible wife, that I didn't fulfill my godly duties as a wife. Unfortunately for him, my parents had also raised me on these principles and I knew his interpretation of them was wrong. I knew that God was love! I knew that men who loved God didn't treat women the way he treated me. Getting out was difficult, but it had nothing to do with these Biblically based principles.

To Kristin who says "If people are smart, they will not marry a chauvinistic pig." That is not true, I was smart! Chauvinistic pigs don't always reveal their cards right away. It's much more complicated than that! Be careful what you say, you have no idea what its like or how people end up in these kind of situations. I doubt that you meant this to condescending to those who have been in abusive situations, I can understand your frustration with the comment you were responding to. I encourage you to seek out information and to gain a better understanding of your sisters who have experienced abuse. Many of them are highly intelligent!

I can say, I am now remarried to a wonderful Christian man to whom I am proud to submit. The point is that it is a submit in the Lord. The point is that if you are keeping number 1, keep God first, you won't have to worry about submitting so much. God is leading your life, so you won't allow a man to abuse you! When I submit to my husband, I am allowing him to lead our family. I trust his judgment. The great thing, my husband has shown himself worthy of this too!

Anonymous said...

I totally understand what you are saying. Just because a woman wants to stay "Godly" is no reason to overlook the wrong things he does. I do believe in divorce for this reason. No man should take advantage of a woman that puts him first. I'm so sorry he wasn't who you thought he was.

Anonymous said...

AMEN! Don't conform. Do what works for you!! I attend a church that welcomes single parents and the divorced. Being a "godly wife" is not a sure deal that he will appreciate it or "service" you in return! Then a man leaves and the woman is so incredibly devastated that she realizes she never knew how to make herself happy or do anything for herself because she relied on some mans approval for the past 10 years.

Anonymous said...

See. You can submit all you want but men will still have superficial thoughts like this. What if she was not good looking? What if she had kids and gained 60lbs and had no time for haircuts or makeup because she was always at service for her husband? Building him up, making sure his ego was big enough. Would everyone still think she had good advice, even when she admits she is not perfect but you can't tell by looking at her?

Anonymous said...

Exactly my thoughts. I've been married 9 years this month and I believe that you can build someone up enough that they think THEY are God. I'm sorry he did this to you.

Anonymous said...

I think so too. No matter what any book says, I will not go against my natural instincts that GOD gave me for a reason!! Think for yourselves women!!

Anonymous said...

Exactly this. I agree 100%. How can a wife give her all but hold back and only agree or do right by her husband? Giving everything includes our flaws, opinions and personality. Nobody should hide those things to make someone else happy.

Anonymous said...

This was wonderful! My fiancé and I took a marriage class through our church a few months ago and learned a lot of the same values. I think it's wonderful that there are still SOME people is today's age that are serious about marriage and know what it entails and want to live their marriages to please God. I'm getting married in a little over two months and I'm keeping this article close by, because I know that starting our marriage off right will really help us in the long run. Thanks so much for the post!

Anonymous said...

I would really like to read what your husband said

Unknown said...

Wow. Being a newlywed has been hard, and reading this has opened my eyes to some things. Thank you so much, you have no idea what an impact on my heart you have made. Thank you thank you thank you.

-Alexandra

Unknown said...

Thank you so much for this.. Being a newlywed has been hard and this has really opened my eyes to a lot.. again thank you so much. You have no idea what an impact this had on my heart.

Anonymous said...

This is so beautifully written. It really touched my heart. It's everything I strive to be for my husband. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

So many of you are misunderstanding the term "submit" in the context it was written. Very simply put God understood that for a marriage, and really any relationship, you cannot have 2 leaders! It does not work! There must be one leader in a marriage, God chose for it to be man. Now that doesn't mean that women have no say and become "blithering idiots" please people think! All couples should discuss and communicate to each other their wants needs and desires for their relationship and make decisions that are beneficial to the family unit!! When two people refuse to agree on anything, doesn't matter what it is, if you have the husband and the wife both trying to be the ruler of the household with neither willing to bend to the others will, you have all the makings of disaster! Its COMMON SENSE! Of course only people WITH common sense will understand!! If you don't think your husband is making sound decisions TELL HIM!! But do so in a loving manner NOT in a condescending or mean way! Communicate!! No its not easy but nothing worth fighting for is ever easy, you don't want to work hard? DON'T get married! It's as simple as that!

Tonja said...

I agree with your biblical advice. And I understand you were looking for positive, uplifting advice. (which is is :) ). However, I think one area I wish I had been taught on is how we as wives are to respond to our husband's sin. I always believed this fell under the heading "Submit". I did not call my husband out on his sin. Rather, I prayed and asked God to convict him and bring him to his knees. By not speaking truth, I was truly enabling him to continue in sin and that sin tore my family apart. I don't have the answer. I just know "submit" isn't it.

Any Godly counsel as to how we as women should be responding to our husband's sin? (In my husband's case it was sexual sin, which ultimately led to him sexually abusing one of our daughters.)

Anonymous said...

If you're really experiencing extreme anxiety and depression, you should really seek help from a medical professional. Mental illness is real and serious. I won't comment on your relationship with your husband, as that's a personal choice. But I hope you do seek real treatment for your anxiety and depression, not just prayer. There's nothing to be ashamed of. It effects millions of people. Everyone deserves to live a good life and feel happy and comfortable in their own skin. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

Rachel I agree with some that you said and disagree with others. I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we have tried to live up to similar standards even from the beginning. Even though we're not married yet we have still had struggles. We are currently dealing with serious medical issues that involve me withdrawing from my University program a year before graduation. I wouldn't say I would feel comfortable to council after 3 years of marriage but you don't know how long they were together or what their life was like even before marriage.

I do agree with the fact that a very positive outlook was taken and the pressure it puts on women. It can be difficult to always stay that positive. We all have bad days and you need to continue to love your husband even if he's having an off time. She focuses on many of the things that cause failed/bad marriages; it tends to be the small things like how to treat each other. If you know how to look after one another emotionally and spiritually, children shouldn't matter as long as you put the focus on your husband; which she mentioned.

Over all I think she did a really great job of reminding me of how to treat my fiance now and in the future. Im curious to read her husbands version and see if my fiance is interested in reading it.

Unknown said...

Thank you for posting this, its nice to have that reminder sometimes of how God wants us to treat our husbands. God bless you and your husband.

Unknown said...

I learned something

Anonymous said...

I actually have done all of these things most of the time, but it was after I had spent years of NOT doing these things. After 20 years of struggling through our marriage, I read the book, The Excellent Wife, which is the same concepts she mentions here. After changing my attitude and MY ways of doing things, my husband changed too!!! I couldn't believe how loving and caring he became toward me. It's so amazing how God will work if we just put HIM first!!! We are happier now than we have ever been - 25 years this year!!!!! All because I changed me!

Anonymous said...

I loved this post Danielle and will re-read it for sure. I think a lot of the people who are commenting that these principles are unrealistic are caught up in the ways of the world. That's exactly what God tells us not to do. We are to follow His rules, not the rules that our culture dictates. If you and your husband truly follow these principles, your marriage will be strong whether you've been married for 3 yrs or 50. My husband and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this year and I still feel so lucky to call him my husband. And I totally understand you saying to love God first and then your husband, with your kids next. I think people think since you don't have children yet, you have that wrong. I don't think so. You have to have a very strong relationship to get through the stress of late night feedings, potty training, etc. I don't think you were saying you have to ignore the kids and baby your husband instead. There is so much cynicism in this world. When people aren't happy with their lives and read something like this, they automatically think the writer is living in a dream world or needs to get back to reality. This is reality for you because you make it your reality. It's easier to just complain and point fingers I guess than to do something about their situation and change it. And God doesn't lie. He gave us rules for marriage for a reason, not for fun or if you feel like following them. I have found that as soon as I try to make my own rules for living and make my own way, that's when I'm miserable and nothing works! It took me a while to figure that out, but boy I'm glad I finally did. I'm thankful for people like you and wish I would have gotten advice like this when I was younger. Thanks for sharing - your marriage will be a huge success if you already adhere to these principles. You're not unrealistic, you're smart!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you feel that you have to express your opinion in such a hateful way. I pray that you find Christ, because that is the only way to have true joy and peace.

Anonymous said...

For all the critics about age and wisdom and such, a specific verse came to mind that I wanted to remind you all of "Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12. Thanks for sharing Danielle! I know for a long time it was hard for me to see how being a Godly wife and being a doormat were two different things, but they are so very different! As women, God has called us to prayer and if we truly believe God is capable of all things then we should trust him in that. I think as we get older we can sometimes loose sight of that. I think as humans in general we have a hard time not being in control. It's so important for us as women to learn to trust God with our husbands and their own walks with him! If we married a Godly man, why would we think that we are the only ones listening to God? I'm not married yet, but in my own relationship it is always a marvel for me to see how when I approach the Lord about something that is bothering me, so often he speaks that to my boyfriend without me having to even bring it up! It's something that I want to continue not just when I do get married, but in all of my relationships!

Anonymous said...

I have only been married for one year, and I have to tell you: I have learned more about myself in this last year than in any other in my life. Moving in with someone after marriage was difficult for me. I have never lived with anyone outside of marriage other than roommates, so making adjustments, both big and small, were very difficult. A miscarriage early on in our marriage was devastating, and it was the root of many fights and a lot of pain for both of us. Fights about laundry or cleaning or chores or even little things were not the focus for us; we jumped right in to having problems with big stuff, like losing a pregnancy. For some reason, when the first year anniversary came and went, I felt better. I feel better now that we are through our first year and I feel like I have so much to share with engaged couples because of everything that has happened to us in this first year. Please pray for us; we really need it right now. I will pray for all of you. In Christ, Natalie

Anonymous said...

So so great! I am 20 years old and will be married in 6 months, this is the perfect teaching that enagaged woman need to hear! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12

-Karen Perez

Anonymous said...

I was married once and have children. I am currently divorced and have been for quite a few years. I really do know that God has someone out there for me and I am just waiting for Him to put him in my life. The thing that I have a hard time with is knowing that I am going to have to put that man before my children when we get married. This does pertain to step parents as well correct? If so do you or anyone else have advance on how to cope with that now? It has been me and my kids for so long I know that it would be hard for them to except me putting another man that isn't their dad before them.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are saying. I think there is a difference between bashing our husbands in a group and asking for advice from a trusted Christian friend who we know will keep a confidence. I think the difference is in intent. One is to complain and the other is to seek counsel.

I can see what you mean about the two ideas contradicting each other. However, I'm thinking that what she probably means (and I'm just guessing here) is that if we have a problem with something (i.e. he unknowingly says something hurtful) we need to communicate that with him rather than expecting him to just "get it." However, I know someone who corrects her husband for every little mistake in front of others and it is demeaning and rude. She nags him about lots of little things. She acts like it's her purpose in life to "perfect" him. I'm guessing that's what she meant by correcting and disciplining our husbands.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely true! Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Submission does not equal allowing abuse.

Anonymous said...

I am also a single mother....however I thought this was beautiful. I believe there is no law higher than God's law, and I hope to live by this some day when I am married. Thank you for sharing such inspirational thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Love this! I'm getting married in a couple days and I think this is GREAT! Very helpful more women need to understand this! It may save there marriage! Reminded me of the movie fireproof! :)

Anonymous said...

I am assuming this applies to step parents as well? I have been divorced for quite a few years and have 3 children and I am a fairly recent Christian and totally agree with what you are saying. I am just wondering how to manage and cope with all that when I do get married again. I honestly believe that God has someone out there for me and that I am meant to be married but I also know that it is going to be hard for me to cope with putting my husband above my children (and God above him) when it has just been us for so long. Any advice or suggestions?

The New Mrs. Mincey said...

Hi Danielle, did you ever post about what Jon said during this meeting? If so can you direct me to the post? Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Thank-you. Though I am not as entrenched with religon as others, this post can be extrapolated to the atheist, to the less religiously informed, to everyone really... And I appriciate it!

I've been seeing a wonderful man for a short time and applying these principles to dating life has created a more fulfilling relationship than any previous ones.

Anonymous said...

Before you judge, get familiar with the blog. They now have a child.

My husband and I just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary and 30 years together. We strive to live out these principles. No, it is not always perfect but I can't imagine any marriage is, no matter what ideology is being lived out. Submission is not slavery, if you feel enslaved, you have chosen a husband poorly.

I have advanced degrees and have worked both in and out of the home. There has to be a balance between living for yourself and understanding you are part of a family. Once you have made a choice to marry and have children, you cannot simply make decisions just for yourself, you must do what is in the best interest of the family and that will change over time.

Our children are grown and successful young adults and we are still very much in love with each other. You can't argue that.

Unknown said...

Thanks for a great post. I'm curious did you ever post what your husband's advise was?

Anonymous said...

I am a soon to be engaged woman and I have gone through pre-engagment counseling with a couple who have each individually been through a divorce before they married each other. They have been married 25 years and 10 of those were extremely difficult raising 4 children (3 from the husbands previous marriage, and 1 from the wife's previous marriage) There was very little time for a "honeymoon stage" They struggled through their first 10 years and then found the Lord and began following these 10 rules that Danielle shared in her post. I don't believe Danielle is telling us that marriage will be easy if we follow these steps, it will be difficult and there will be trying times. But if you hold on to what God is calling us to be by following these steps you can have a wonderful Godly marriage. I know Danielle is young in her marriage but I want to give some feedback that it does work, coming from my counselors who have been through trying times, turned toward these steps, and found joy and peace in their marriage. There is much value to what she says in her post and I have seen it work in couples who are out of the honey moon stage.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you nailed it. I find it so refreshing to find other wives that base their marriage around the principles of the Word of God. It really is all about humility. Unfortunately, humility is a "weakness" in this day and time. And, you're right, no woman wants to hear the word "submit." But, I think it really is key. It doesn't mean you have to ask your husband for permission any time you go somewhere or make a decision, but it's that ever present thought of him in mind. I married a godly man and it's been my experience that the more I put him first, the more he puts me first. It's a beautiful thing. A cycle of mutual joy. I wish all the couples in the world could experience it. Thanks for being brave and saying what needs to be said, however unpopular it may be. :-)

Jennifer said...

Loved this! Glad I found the link on Pinterest. Did you post what your husband said? I would love to get the link and read it as well. Thanks and God bless

Anonymous said...

My husband was unfaithful too. Several times over 3 years. We had been married 27 years with 2 wonderful daughters. Even though it has been tremendously difficult experience and on the brink of divorce, nothing is impossible with God. I truly believe it has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I have learned to put God first and my husband second and we are both learning to communicate in a way we have never been able to before. We are now on the verge of renewing our vows! Priorities are a must and both must be willing and motivated for change and growth. With that said, I belive God has done the miracles in our family. All I did was trust Him completely and give my life to Him fully. I am so thankful and I only want to share it so it can be an encouragement to others.

Michelle said...

This is amazing advice! I love all these and plan on keeping this to remind myself and also share with my friends and the girls I mentor. Thanks for writing so honestly and so Biblically. It is awesome to hear from other women seeking the Lord, and I love how God is using you to speak into so may other women's lives!

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time putting my husband over my children too. I understand that is what God commands but we all have our struggles. I think about it this way: If there were a fire in our home, who would I concentrate on getting out of the house first; my husband or my children. It would be my children. My husband thinks the same way. (I understand he could get himself out but it's just a way to explain it.) I just wanted to let you know you're not alone here.

Morgan said...

The things said in this post are reminders to married couples no matter what stage they are in. It is a great way to start your marriage, and sometimes after going through the years and gaining this experience you keep talking about, you lose sight of the Godly marriage that she describes. While she is lucky enough to still be in this stage of her marriage, she sends out a reminder to less new marriages that this how God intended their marriage to be

Morgan said...

Obviously if you marry a God fearing man, he will not be a chauvinistic and abusive pig. This post was intended for marriages that are built upon a foundation of God, not just Christians who don't actually follow the Bible, because every bit of this is backed up with Scripture.

Anonymous said...

I think she meant not to focus on the negatives or say it in a harsh way to him. We must communicate with each other, but not in a patronizing way.

Anonymous said...

Visit the south, and you'll change your mind... Never met anyone who didn't move down here or even visit that didn't love it. We are known for our Southern hospitality for a reason... KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY and that comes from the Lord

Anonymous said...

right, we are here to serve the Lord. And by doing what He has asked of us, which is to submit to our husbands, we are serving the Lord FOR the Lord, not for our husbands and we do it out of love for God, because a lot of stuff we can all admit we do NOT want to do!

Anonymous said...

Hallelujah!! Waited to hear how this applies to blended families, same-sex couples, etc. If it doesn't fit into the cookie cutter mould of what a husband and wife are to be, then what happens? And I wholeheartedly agree with momma instinct versus husband instinct. One is a primal I tuitive reaction and the other is a conscious choice. Two completely different realms - can't compare.

And Rachel, I thought your comments were realistic and made total sense. Thank you for speaking your truth on standing up for what you believe in. That's what is truly wonderful about this part of the world.....we have the freedom to speak our minds.

And for the "Good Christians" out there who attacked Rachel, being unnecessarily defensive and downright ANGRY at her expression of her personal opinion..
Thanks for showing that often people will cloak themselves with the name of God but act like they've never met Him.

Peace and blessings..
.

Anonymous said...

God lead me to read your post.....it's everything I need to start working on. Thank you!

Laura said...

Hello. I absolutely love this post. I have come to this post about a dozen times in the past week. Also, I printed out this post along with Proverbs 31 so I can have a quick reference. I am getting married in a little less than 6 months (174 days). We have been together for almost 5 years. I love this man with all of my heart and I want to be the wife God has called me to be in His perfect will and way. This post is so inspiring and it brings such joy to my heart each and every time I read it. I am now looking forward to not only planning our wedding, but also working on my role to fulfill as his wife in the way God intended for me to be. Thank you so much for sharing what God has laid on your heart. I will definitely begin following your blog :) You are truly a vessel for God and I cannot wait to read what God has placed in your heart in the days to come.

Anonymous said...

Perfect rules to live by.

Till your husband screws you over. Not saying he will (he doesn't look the type), but in this day and age, it wouldn't be the first.

Above cynicism due to the fact that that is what happened to my parents. and in fact many mothers I know of in their 40's right now, however it could be due to the phenomena of 'birds of a feather flock together'. Regardless, my argument stands- trusting, pure optimism is a bomb waiting to go off for many people out there.

Good on you for keeping a bright outlook on marriage, and promoting it too (even if I can't read it and say it lifted my spirits)!

Anonymous said...

This truly blessed my soul! I'm a newlywed 6 months now and I've been struggling in all these areas. But I know God will show me how to be a godly wife as well as a proverbs 31 woman. Thank you for the awesome godly advice it was much needed.

JessiLynn said...

I loved this. So good, thank you (:

Unknown said...

I think it's wonderful ou counseled this young couple! Frankly I think it's incredibly insightful of your pastor. Many of the lessons I would share would be irrelevant and not really help a young couple - I find the people who affect me the most are the ones fighting the same fight. You are an adorable wife and serving your husband with your whole heart! Being a Godly wife is an evolution and it only gets better!!!!! The only thing I would add is to focus on unity and fight against any division!!! Find your pressure points and don't give in to them!!! Blow your own mind when considering the intensity of the three cord strand!!! Spiritual unity between a husband and wife is insanely sensual and intimate - and tremendously powerful!!! And always under attack!!!

Anonymous said...

Our church had a "panel" of married couples at the youth camp: newlyweds; a remarried couple; and a long-term married couple. The couple that my kids liked hearing the most was from the newlyweds! Having said that, while this sweet family is blessed and on the mountaintop, not all of us are called to that. I, too, was an excellent, Godly, wife, and suffered beyond belief when my Deacon & Youth Leader husband turned to drugs, and then women. Most people in the church thought I must be practicing some secret sin, as my life went from horrible to a nightmare. I kept silent, letting the gossips have their day, and when all the facts rose to the surface, you never saw so much backpedaling. My Pastor and his wife are the only ones who know the full horror, and were my only support, and I learned quickly how to tell real Christians from false.

Having said that, I'm sure this young couples' Pastor has the wisdom of never putting them in a position of ministering to someone going through persecution, slander, keeping their children safe, etc...

Some couples are blessed during their entire marriage - some of us aren't. It doesn't mean that her words are not edifying for young people, or good reminders for the non-newlyweds, but it's practical to have the warriors available for those who have had to travel a harder path.

Anonymous said...

Amen! That is exactly what I was thinking! The year is 2013 not the 1950s. Rachels post above is also amazing! I am women hear me rawr (outside the home).

Anonymous said...

This is a load of crap! Pull your head out of the 50s! What world you're living in is far from reality. God bless! I'll pray for you ;)

Anonymous said...

I needed to hear all of this!! Made me realize I'm at times expecting more from him then I was willing to give.everything u talked about really hit home for me. So much it brought me to tears. God bless your marriage!! Tomorrow I will start my day with a whole new outlook! Thank you for posting this!!!!

KT said...

Thank you for this. I ran into this particular article on a soon-to-be-married friend's Facebook feed. I'm only 28 and I was raised in the church. I was married at 20 and have two small children. My marriage and I are anything but perfect. I once followed this advice and felt guilt about not living it perfectly. You're absolutely right when you say that you have to love yourself to be a good wife, mother, etc. Nobody is born to be a doormat. Nobody. Men are amazing but they're just as human and fallable as women are. There seems to be an inordinate amount of time spent nit picking everything a woman does/says in a marriage.

Let me say this: my marriage is intact and relatively happy. I hope it stays that way for many decades to come. That said, the church need only look in the mirror if it wants to know why so many are leaving. It's not always because the person is "ungodly," it's due to the lack of support when your life doesn't mirror the happy ideal. Where in all of this are the porn addictions, the physical abuse, both parents working full time jobs and barely having time for each other to pay the bills, etc.? Where's the woman who is raped by her husband? Where are their voices? Do they count or are they all just failures? Answer me that and I might darken the door of a church again.

Unknown said...

Just came across this on pinterest and absolutely love it! Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

This is just what I needed to read. My husband and I are coming up on our first anniversary, and it has not been the easiest year to say the least. Both being military, that alone brings a lot of personal and work related stressors to our marriage, especially since we don't see eye-to-eye on the Marine Corps. I will be the first to admit that I am not the best wife, I am stubborn, hard-headed, independent, and very opinionated and once I decide that something is dumb or boring or a waste of time, that's it. It never stood a chance. This year (2013) has been a whole different kind of terrible for not only myself but for my marriage and my relationship with God. At the beginning of the year I was getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan and in the middle of the desert getting our pre-deployment training done. While in California, we all received a small pox vaccination and 2 anthrax shots. The week before I was set to leave I found out that I was 13 weeks pregnant. Exactly one week after we found out, we discovered we were in an active miscarriage and the baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks. I later found out that the small pox vaccine can cause still birth. Of course, I blamed myself. I should've known, how could I let this happen? I allowed myself to become angry with God and my situation. I stopped praying, I stopped looking to him for guidance and little did I know, I was letting it affect my marriage. I was so caught up in my pain and anger that I started treating God and my husband as if they were nothing to me. I am trying to get myself back to where I used to be, if not closer than I've ever been. This is one of the first and biggest steps that I am going to be making, and I just wanted to share that I am greatly appreciative of your wise, godly words. Thank you, with all of my heart. God bless.

Anonymous said...

I am not married yet, not engaged either, but this post truly made me think about the wife I want to be to my husband someday. I hope that I can take all these things and be all that for him someday. Thank you for the wonderful post!

Anonymous said...

This was such a joy to read! This is the kind of wife I hope to be. Thank you for sharing, and don't let these other opinions keep you from sharing God's word.

Anonymous said...

Commendable job I must say.very impressive.Thankyou for putting sense into my head :)

Lindsey said...

This is seriously one of the best posts on marriage I have read. I love how you shared what you feel, even though it is different from the world's current view on marriage and family. Thank you for your honest thoughts and it was really helpful!!

Unknown said...

I would never put "god" before the actual living, most important people in my life. Husbands and children come before anything else in my household. It will always be that way for me.

Abby Renee said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. This is exactly what I want to be to my future husband!

Trish said...

I wouldn't recommend Debi Pearl's book to anyone. She is very abrasive and would turn off even the most sincere woman. She lacks grace and understanding, and while there are nuggets of truth in her teaching, there are plenty of others who have said it much better.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed the blog and amy in year 13 of my marriage. These biblical truths have improved my marriage and is something I need to continue applying. Earlier in my marriage, I was selfish and thoughtless. I was given the opportunity later to go through a difficult situation and extend forgiveness and grace to my husband which strengthened our marriage. In fact, in this difficult situation my husband stated that he was afraid I was going to leave him. Imagine what an empowering love it is if you DECIDE that no matter what, you are committed to your marriage. It's not easy, but resting on that statement has brought me a strange sense of peace. To many people today rely on "feelings" which is why I believe divorce is so prevalent.

If you are interested in learning more about God's commands for marriage, I highly recommend The Politically Incorrect Wife.

Sam said...

Just found this post and truly believe I was supposed to read this. Bookmarking and reading this often to remind myself what I need to be striving towards. Thank you for such a beautiful reminder.

Anonymous said...

Hmm I feel like you women are weak. It's your job to make yourself happy and take care of yourself first. If you don't then how can you just assume that your significant other will? How can you expect someone else to take care of you if you can even do it for yourself? How can you give to another person if you can't even give that to yourself? It's called self preservation. If you don't address that first then you will eventually be running on empty.

Anonymous said...

Well obviously you were attracted to him physically at one point because YOU married HIM. Think about what changed?

What makes me attracted to my husband is not necessarily his looks. When we were dating and engaged we went out of our way to create fun, interesting, romantic dates for each other because it was so fun and easy. Now, it's not so easy (school, kids, work, finances, etc.) And at one point in our marriage even when he was still a strapping, incredibly in shape, handsome man, I (astonishingly) found myself not so physically attracted to him anymore. However, I still loved him to death. We still talked all the time, laughed, and were SUPER comfortable with each other. After writing in my journal about my confusion on this and re-reading it, the answer was so obvious. For the MOST part I could have very well had the same relationship with my brothers as I had with my husband and it wouldn't have been weird. I became TOO comfortable with my spouse... Examples: we were totally OK with going to the bathroom while one of us was still in the same bathroom, farting in front of each other, (jokingly) criticizing each other, not "dressing up" as much as we both used to when we were dating/engaged/first married. I thought it was great at first because we were best friends and so "comfortable" with each other. But I had the wrong idea of HOW I was supposed to be comfortable with him, and it was crushing the "sexiness" of our marriage. So we starting doing everything we could to coming up with fun and romantic dates to do no matter what it took. (By the way, romantic dates don't have to be physical..There's no requirement on home-made or even expensive candle light dinners saying that you have to be intimate in any way, and you don't go on candle light dinner-dates with your brother.)We complimented each other and NEVER criticized (I know there is positive-criticism, but that is a situation based circumstance. And I don't see any harm in lying to make my husband feel better about himself,and vice versa, it's never caused a problem for us.)We went to the bathroom in private (you may think that you're husband seeing you go to the bathroom, or any other personal hygiene business that you don't do in public, and vice versa doesn't affect your sex life but in MY experience, over time, it definitely does!) Even when I thought he didn't care or would notice, I did my make-up a little nicer and chose to wear real pants instead of sweats, wedges or heals instead of my beat up, go-to shoes, did my hair the way he said he liked instead of doing what was easier. And HE wore nice shorts or jeans instead of basketball shorts, did his hair instead of putting a hat on, shaved more often, put on my favorite cologne for him all the time, etc. (This is just what makes US more attracted to each other, it's different for everyone, I know.)
In essence we re-created our dating/engagements selves. And NONE of it took actually, physically touching each other. The physical attraction was re-ignited because of it, and now we work our butts off every day to make the effort for it to stay that way. I am SO comfortable with my husband in that we can talk to each other about our deepest insecurities, and our greatest moments, and I know he won't criticize me for doing/thinking something stupid. Remember, LOVE is an ACTION.
So it's definitely a two-way street to re-ignite the flame. But there are ways of motivating one another. And it's up to you and husband to figure out what that is.

However, there are a few things other than my case that can cause someone to not find their spouse attractive anymore. Like pornography (say what you want on that topic, but I've seen that as a huge factor and that's my opinion take it or leave it), or infidelity. And if this is going on in your marriage and you want it to continue and thrive, then my only advice is to STOP IT.

Anonymous said...

@ anonymous 6/25 7:56pm - Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I liked your perspective and will have to actively pursue being the "date" I used to be and not the slob I can sometimes be. :)

Danielle said...

I am so sorry you are going through this, but from reading this looks like you are willing and want help. I highly recommend the living waters ministry http://www.livingwatersministry.com with Denise & Lee Boggs. It is life changing because a lot of times things going on are connected to our past or deeper issues that we cant bring to the surface ourself. And when we release those we can move forward! I will pray for you though because I can see you want help!!!

Unknown said...

This was sent to m by a friend. I loved it! my husband and I recently got married a little over a month ago and its always nice to read things like this. Sometimes people need reminding.
Did you ever post what your husband said?

Anonymous said...

I hope one day you can overcome the brainwashing you have endured and live a real and happy existence.
Imagine living according to your own instincts and not by a book written by numerous humans many years ago.

Anonymous said...

At least she's being a mother...unlike a lot of other females in her position. And maybe you should acknowledge that and not insult her. And the poster of this blog said that EVERY woman should read it, single, married, almost married. For being Godly people, you sure are judgmental.

annie said...

While these thoughts are very well thought out and presented, I have to wonder how long they have been married. It is easier to talk about what you should and shouldn't do in a marriage but very much harder to actually do those things. I find it a little amusing as a wife of 27 years to hear all this advice from someone who hasn't weathered all the many ups and downs of marriage. Until you have been through many of the difficulties that arise from years of learning and growing together, you really aren't in much of a position to give a lot of advice, speaking as though you have all the answers. The one thing I know after 27 years is that I don't know everything there is to know about marriage. I am keenly aware that I must depend on the Lord because in my weak flesh I am unable to do what is right. I am not arguing any of her points, just questioning if she really has experienced enough to fully understand the extreme difficulty becoming one with your spouse is. It sounds great on paper, but when it is having to be worked out on a daily basis, not quite so easy.

Unknown said...

I just want to say "woot!" A wonderful, encouraging post. Truthful yet with love. God's plan is so good.

Jennifer said...

Your advice is naive and appalling in some regards. The best evidence for the problems in it comes from the stories of women commenting about how they lived by these standards and their marriages still failed. Christianity has become a joke due to fundamentalists who can't grasp the reality that the Bible is not inerrant.

Jennifer said...

Thank you for this. You inspire me.

Anonymous said...

WOW! thanks for the reminder!this is so true

KRT said...

You have not even been married 3 full years yet. You have NO business giving any marital advice to anyone. NONE.

scrappinmomto2girls said...

it was a true blessing reading this, there were things in here that I needed to hear.

God Bless!

Anonymous said...

This was a wonderful message. I'm not married but I have been studying the Bible on the characteristics of a wife and her role as well as his in a marriage. I must say you we dead on track. This is an inspiration for me. I know that my helpmate is out there!! Thank you for these words of wisdom!!!

Anonymous said...

You have earned a stranger's respect. Way to prove that there are still religious women who do their homework and promote independence and intelligence.

Anonymous said...

The Lord truly spoke to me through you in this post. Numbers 8 and 9 especially convicted me and I found myself on my knees in tears, imploring our Lord to help me and forgive me in this regard. My husband and I have been married 20 years, and while some would say we have a "good" marriage, we bicker...a LOT...to the point that our kids have told us they don't even want to get married. Ouch! We obviously haven't set a loving example, despite the fact that we do love each other. Life gets hard, especially with teenagers and it is easy to lose sight of God's plan for our marriages and our "daily" love for each other. Thank you for allowing Got to speak through you!

Anonymous said...

I don't think anyone- wife nor husband, knows what love really is, until they have a child. I understand that you must love The Lord, and your husband before your child, but until you have a child of your own; one who you would walk the earth for, one who loves and depends on you for life itself, how could you love anything more than that? You love The Lord for blessing you with this being, and your husband for making this amazing being. This little person will love you eternally- they are the ones who put the smile back on your face when your husband isn't being the person he needs to be (may it be just that day or for many days). I think loving The Lord & your family take priority, because things can happen, but no matter what you will always have your children, and their children. Its called a family for a reason.

- But having a baby with someone who was unfaithful, that you are still holding a grudge against, isn't a way to get you through the pain. Because in most cases, if you believe they're still cheating (which when a man cheats, they are 80% more likely to cheat again if they have been forgiven by a spouse/significant other- women are 30% ) they usually still are, and bringing another baby into a household such as that will cause way to much stress on a family.

God Bless & I wish you all the Best,

CGERMANY said...

Hii there!! Thank you so much for your post!!

This REALLY hit home for me and I needed to hear it!!

Take care... in His name.

Anonymous said...

Cheating is breaking a vow. God doesn't expect you to pit up with infidelity. In fact a man who is unfaithful has divorced his wife in gods eyes. You can have better a man who loves you with his whole heart.

TeachingDiva18 said...

What an AMAZING post. Thank you for sharing! My husband and I are going on 2 years and I will definitely take these ideas and apply them to our marriage. How right you are when you say that we are too often self-centered instead of Christ centered. Thank you for putting things into perspective! Praying for you and your marriage, and thanks again!

Anonymous said...

I am in the same situation! Going to a Christian college was hard with the pressure of finding a Godly man and getting married soon after. I prayed that I would trust God to put a man in my life when HE wanted. It was hard not to be looking for a "perfect" fit for me on campus, but once I stopped and trusted God and His timing, my now best friend and boy friend came into the picture after pursuing me for a few months. He is a better man than I could ever find on my own and I know its is all because of God and from trusting Him. I love my boyfriend and do plan on marrying him in the future. This blog post was a great encouragement to me to make great steps to prepare myself and my heart to being a Godly wife to my husband. Thank you so much for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Came across this post on Pinterest, and I appreciate your advice so much as a Christian newlywed myself. Beautifully spoken!

Anonymous said...

did you post the talk your husband gave?

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been in marital counseling for a while. I have been focusing on these things anyway but it was very nice to have a list to keep and hold on to as a constant reminder. Ever since I changed my focus our marriage has been on the up and up. Thank you for this. So many for get that when two people are continually looking towards god you can make any marriage work.

Anonymous said...

You don't get it. Marriage is not about submitting & obeying your husband. Marriage is about being a team & being equals. Raising children is about both parents working together to make their kids & their family a priority. This is the 21st century. Think for yourself instead of relying on taking a 2000 year old book literally. I sincerely pity anyone brainwashed by religion.

Anonymous said...

I'm European, I read every inch of that tripe in an "Southern" accent without knowing she actually was. What a pile of horsecrap. This is exactly the type of talk we think all Americans buy into and hate Americans for it, unfortunately you all get dumped into the same cliche. If someone from Europe wrote this 99% of the comments would be laughing at this nutcase, but it's the other way around here.

Cheers for setting feminism back a few decades Danielle, women in domestically abusive relationships with nowhere to cry to for help, women being paid less for the same job as a man, women being leered at in the street, women going back to work part-time and throwing away their career because they can't afford childcare, women who don't consider themselves attractive enough for society's feminine ideal, every single woman in existance being viewed as simply a sexual object at some point in their lives REALLY needed that set back Danielle, we really needed that lecture on being submissive to men.

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

this is beautiful. thank you. God Bless you and your husband

Madison said...

I'm not married yet, far from it actually..but this was so beneficial. Thank you for sharing! Reading this has given me something to strive for, something to prepare my heart for. Good luck to you and your happy marriage and thank you again!

Unknown said...

THANK YOU. I needed this more than you know today... I have been engaged for about a year and have just over a year to go before the wedding; we get to start our marital preparation classes in just a few months, and I hope to be blessed enough to get mentors as wonderful as you and your husband :)

Anonymous said...

I have been divorced for three years, was married for almost 10 years. It was a situation where we tried to force things from the beginning. God wasn't a big part of that marriage. I thought "submit" was a dirty word and didn't trust my ex to manage anything. We both did wrong. Now that I've met a wonderful man and am seeking to get closer to God the whole way, I want to know how to be better. This article teaches me exactly that. It is perfectly worded and even I, a "strong" personality, can respect everything that you have to say here. My daughter is 8 years old and divorce with kids is more complicated than people who are fortunate enough not to experience it can imagine. I would never wish that on anyone. Please continue your blog. It is an invaluable resource and ministry. Have a wonderful day.

Jani Jensen said...

I loved this posts. Your words was very wise and inspired! Thanks!

Randi Parker said...

This post is amazing! I've read through all the comments, good and bad and I truly believe you are on the right track. A marriage needs to have a steady foundation to begin with so when the rains come you will stand firm, together. Who cares if you've just been married three years? Isn't the first year of marriage the hardest anyway? You can expect people that have been married 20, 30, 40 years to give advice to couples beginning their marriage. Times have changed since they said their vows. Struggles are different. You need to hear from someone who has just taken the same journey you are embracing right now, not one who did it so long ago they don't even remember how hard it was. Then, when jobs are lost and people pass away and your house gets broken into, you talk to someone who has RECENTLY experienced those things. Sure long term marriages are great to give advice, but so are the newlyweds! Probably even more so than anyone else. I agree with 100% with everything you said, it's a shame so many people take Gods word out of context and make it conform to their own lives, not conform to the word itself. And if anyone thinks your blog was harsh, they should check out the "Marriage and Men" sermon online by Mark Driscoll the pastor of Mars Hill Church in Washington...it's sure to make your toes curl with the truth! Many prayers to you as Satan tries to destroy your spirit through the blindness of others. And congrats on your SUCCESSFUL marriage!

Randi Parker said...

This post is amazing! I've read through all the comments, good and bad and I truly believe you are on the right track. A marriage needs to have a steady foundation to begin with so when the rains come you will stand firm, together. Who cares if you've just been married three years? Isn't the first year of marriage the hardest anyway? You can expect people that have been married 20, 30, 40 years to give advice to couples beginning their marriage. Times have changed since they said their vows. Struggles are different. You need to hear from someone who has just taken the same journey you are embracing right now, not one who did it so long ago they don't even remember how hard it was. Then, when jobs are lost and people pass away and your house gets broken into, you talk to someone who has RECENTLY experienced those things. Sure long term marriages are great to give advice, but so are the newlyweds! Probably even more so than anyone else. I agree with 100% with everything you said, it's a shame so many people take Gods word out of context and make it conform to their own lives, not conform to the word itself. And if anyone thinks your blog was harsh, they should check out the "Marriage and Men" sermon online by Mark Driscoll the pastor of Mars Hill Church in Washington...it's sure to make your toes curl with the truth! Many prayers to you as Satan tries to destroy your spirit through the blindness of others. And congrats on your SUCCESSFUL marriage!

Jessica said...

Thank You for Sharing your thoughts and feelings! These are things that I have been thinking about for quite sometime. You said exactly what I've been thinking. Marriage is such a wonderful gift we have been given! Thank You again!

Unknown said...

I agree....except for number 3. If God intended women to be in the home and men to be the providers .... There wouldn't be so many women who have been forced into the unfortunate situation of being the family breadwinner while their husbands sit at hime and fall apart.

Unknown said...

This was amazing!! Such a refreshing read for me! I get caught up so many times with trying to "fix him" and get him to see how much better it can be. Thank you so much for sharing this, I hope it's okay I'm doing a pinterest roundup and I'm sharing this as one of my favorite posts of the month!
Abbi @ Seasons of Homemakers

Unknown said...

Did you ever publish what Jonathan told the new couple?? I have a couple in trouble & would love for them to read both sides!! Thank you ! Dawn

Anonymous said...

I have found it amusing that there are people discounting Danielle's belief system (the Bible) and then stating they are unbelievers themselves. Why then, did you click on a link that says, Being a Godly Wife? Was it just to stir something up or draw attention to yourself? Well done! What you have drawn attention to is your unintelligence. If you are wanting to argue against the Biblical beliefs and history you had better do some studying - but that would mean reading the Bible :)

Danielle - thank you for the reminders that married people need to hear every now and then about basic kindness and goodness for each other. Communication and prayer for one another.

Vivi said...

I never respond to things like this but I just had to tonight. I am not married, not even close to being married but I have been struggling with some "dating" issues. I finally made the correct decision but I have had an extremely hard time sticking to my decision. Reading this has once again reinforced that my decision was the correct one. I have to remember the 80/20 Principle. Thank you so much for this Godly

Anonymous said...

Me too!

Cara and Mike said...

We had a church leader ask the same of us when we were first married. Remember, she was asked to give council to newly weds, not parents of 7 children. - I have only been married for 7 years - through it, we have experienced infertility, death, life threatening illnesses and currently have 3 children 4 and under. ... the list can go on and on- but time doesn't matter and no one can judge what someone has gone through in their life or marriage regardless of the number of years. I do agree a wisdom comes through years of experience - but the information that she gathered was from the Bible... that has stood the test of time and in my opinion is the word of God - if that is true - what she says is true. I fall short in SO many areas, but this was so so refreshing to read, not discouraging. It is nice to see that there are people of all different faiths discussing marriage in a holy way. I accept my imperfections because I don't want to live in fear or discouragement, but this makes it possible for me to read and have a desire to become better without putting myself down over not being able to achieve it at once. This was just a great reminder on so many levels-

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. As a newly wed with only a year under our belts now, it's nice to have encouraging direction on how to be a godly wife!

Anonymous said...

AMEN. Something the majority of those bothered by this article are missing. Truth does not rely on our personal experiences. We need to pray for one another that we can always do our best to uphold these principles!

Anonymous said...

It's not "advice" - these are principles she has gathered from scripture and her church. Notice this is written as a letter to HERSELF...

Anonymous said...

Troll. Go back to your cave.

Anonymous said...

Keep your "darling" to yourself. I think you are re-phrasing many of her words in a way that makes it easier for you to put them down. I think women can aspire to the things she has written, and still be beautiful and shine.

Anonymous said...

Putting your husband first is a little bigger than "who would you push from an oncoming train".
I have children and don't find her words irritating.

But thanks for calling us brainwashed. I forgot, it's your way or the highway, right?

Anonymous said...

God speak to me through you very clear. This is what I need today, some Godly advice. Thank you so much Danielle, God bless you.

Anonymous said...

I am really glad I came across this today. Thanks for helping me to rememeber "worldly vs Godly." Gotta go apologize to my hubby!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for these reminders. You are so on with all of these. I pray God blesses your marriage daily.

Anonymous said...

Hello! I came across this post and agree with the principles you have laid out. You do a great job of plainly but eloquently sharing what God has planned for women in their marital role. However, I hear these same guidelines again and again, but have yet to come across hard, specific examples of what these guidelines look in practice - both every day and in particularly difficult times. I think this would be helpful for anyone and everyone, especially young women like myself.

Specifically, what does it mean to submit to your husband? I have no doubt this is our calling but does this in conjunction with "it is not our duty to discipline or correct" mean that we blindly follow when our husband repeatedly falls into sins or makes bad, purposeful choices that affect the entirety of the family? I am speaking in the context that this is not one time offenses, but rather enduring struggles. Wouldn't gentle communication and accountability fall under our role as a helper? And for how long do you forgive without being walked on, especially in the instance of affairs? Do we not voice our opinion in major decisions? I am asking from a place of genuine humbleness and curiosity, if the answer is a hard pill to swallow then I will pray to accept it but I have yet to hear a concrete answer to these questions.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for staying true to the Word and not just tickling peoples ears in what they Want to hear. If we say we love God then we must love his Word also. Don't worry over the negative comments.that's just the harshness of todays society and how to live a better life now. Stay true to God and true to yourself. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

Rachel I appreciate your posting. Thank you for expressing concerns and allowing people to glean their own truth from two differing viewpoints.

Anonymous said...

I dont agree with any of this!! You're saying suck it up buttercup...youre husbands a douche but you need to be perfect if not, God will punish you...right......

Anonymous said...

I needed to read this more than anything right now, life has taken a tole on my marriage and shame on me because i allowed it to!!! i love this and just reading it made me realize so much and makes me want to hold on and fight again for what i know god has placed here for me! thank you sooo much for this and may God continue to bless your family!

Unknown said...

I am getting married in 8 months and this is exactly the post I needed. We have already gone through quite a bit as an engaged couple and we are slowly understanding that God comes before both of us or we won't survive. Please be encouraged that you are encouraging others. After listening to the advice of my parents who have been married for 33 years and my grandparents who have been married for 47 years - I realize the one thing that doesn't change.... the Bible. and the Word of God. So thank you for speaking those words instead of the words of the world. Please ignore the ungodly, discouraging, upsetting words from some of the comments and keep God first. You are helping thousands of women. Keep encouraged!

Anonymous said...


wow! That's pretty powerful! Thanks for sharing that Holy thought

Anonymous said...

This is horrible advice. Christian or not. You want to look good for your husband? For yourself too I hope. I have a whole family full of conservative Christians. Thankfully my siblings and I are Liberals. I'm in an equal marriage and guess what? It's still a happy marriage! I love and respect my husband but I'm a full in feminist that would never ever agree to my husband wearing the pants in this marriage! And it's just fine that way. My brother's marriage is the same and they are very content. I also have a son and he is put before my husband always. I've never loved another like I love my son. My husband feels the same way and I'm okay with that! But I would never ignore my husband's needs cause I put my son before him. Wouldn't everyone choose their child over their husband if they had to save only one? Not that this happens often. Also, don't take the bible so literally. That was a different time. Men had numerous wives back then. Would you agree to that as well? Since it's in the bible. This is why I'm no longer a Christian. This is something I fight with. Christian's like you turn people away from it. I do know some Christians who don't think like you do. I know some liberal Christians as well. Thankfully Christians aren't all like you.

Anonymous said...

I would like to share a quote that was shared in church a few weeks ago in our little women's group. I have since written in my journal and placed it on my fridge.
" I am the Master of our Home", he said,Thinking that the greater part, But she was wiser far than he, For she was content to be its HEART..."

Anonymous said...

Cling on to your traditional gender roles, Evangelicals. You are just further isolating yourself from the larger culture. You will (thankfully) never be the "religion of the future" because your beliefs are so disparate from the rest of the nation's. Some writings of Paul the apostle paint a more equitable view of women. Yet you choose to focus on only those passages which do not. There are so many contradictory statements in the Bible regarding the role of women in the Church and the marriage. How can your views on gender roles be a literal interpretation of the Bible if you choose to ignore certain passages? Do Evangelical women veil themselves? Do they not cohabit with their husband during menstruation? I myself am not a Christian, but I find solace in the fact that Evangelicals will never truly have any affect on the masses while holding onto these rigid gender roles. Religion has and always will bend and morph with pressures from the mainstream culture. Hold on to your rigid beliefs and wave good-bye to the future of your religion. Open your mind to the various interpretations and teachings of your scripture and realize the possibilities.

Anonymous said...

I find it hilarious that this was never replied to when you have absolutely valid questions! Please original poster, answer! I second these questions! I personally feel, anonymous, that Danielle feels you can work outside the home, as she does. Second, there is a difference between asking advice from your friends and dishing to your friends for 45 minutes then during the last 15 asking a question after you know they are soundly on your side, and we all know the difference. Friendships are WONDERFUL and definitely something that God blesses us with, but if there is a huge issue, go to a mentor or an elder lady-they ussssually know best- in your church and present them with what's happening. Third, watch love and respect! It's a dvd series and it's life changing. During the "episodes" I guess you'd call them, it tells you (and your husband) how to share with one another what you feel you may not be receiving- without absolutely de-masculating him or disrespecting him, or him calling you a biatch for nagging and telling him what he does wrong all the time! I used to think I was very sensitive, then we watched this series TOGETHER, and we were both shocked at what habits we had with each other that were so detrimental. These are great questions I feel like deserve an answer outside of myself. I hope we get some! The things above were my lowly thoughts but I would LOVE input from others!

Anonymous said...

Eughh this is so sexist. This isn't what God wanted for women. He didn't want us to "serve" our husbands and continue to do nice things for him even when he doesn't appreciate it. This attitude is setting us back to the 1950s and beyond, when women were only expected to stay home and do housework. Times have changed. "Dress up for him", "think of it as being obedient", "We are called to submit to our husbands". I am Christian, but I find this article incredibly degrading. Awful.

And I agree with another poster...what about same-sex couples?

Anonymous said...

Hi! I want to thank you for such a eye-opening post. I am not married or in a relationship. It's hard being 25 and seeing all your friends married and starting to have families of their own. I know deep down that God has someone "perfect" for me and he will not let me down. I trust in him completely and I hope to be all these things you've written about and more when I am a wife.

Thank you for all this advice!

Anonymous said...

Haha, I totally agree. I'm glad to see some comments on here other than stuff praising this nutjob

WhitneySwenson said...

Can you post your husbands advice on being a godly husband?

Anonymous said...

I would love the link to what your husband had to say. I think yours benefited myself and I would love the men's version from your husband so my husband can read it

Anonymous said...

Glad tot see women are taking note. We as Males need to put you first as well

Anonymous said...

WOW! Need I say more? This is a wonderful post!!! So right on! It really reminded me of my duties that I tend to forget sometimes. I've been struggling these last 3 years (been married for 7) But I needed to be reminded of this. I truly appreciate your time an effort to help us Ladies :) Thank you so much for posting this. GOD BLESS YOUR FAMILY!

chelsearocks said...

If more Christians avoided judging others as the bible advises and less acted as rude as those I see in this thread the world would be a nicer place. Rachel stated an opinion, which we're all entitled to do, and suddenly the claws came out. I just doubt it's how Jesus would have replied, but to each his own.

Anonymous said...

This whole article is full of crap.

Anonymous said...

have to say i agree with you Rachel. not much more to be said really

HunEB13 said...

So encouraging, cannot wait for your husband's answers!

Anonymous said...

WOW! That was AMAZING!!! It all made sense how crazy my life is and how I organize my family. GOD first, HUSBAND second and KIDS third. :D I was living my life all kinds of backwards. No wonder my life is feels crazy. This was exactly what I needed to read. Hears to hoping the chances I make in my life and family work out smoothly. LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I am not married or dating, but I absolutely love this! I thank you for taking the time to write this down. I hope and pray that I will one day be the godly wife that God has created me to become!

Jenn @ Beautiful Calling said...

Really enjoyed the post and the reminders. Married 8 years, two moves, one miscarriage, three children - one special needs, dual income down to one and then that one income dropped...marriage is harder when you have children and financial strain and other things going on. But these principles - God's principles don't change. Whether you are married two years or ten, this post will help you improve your marriage - we all can!!

In response to some of the above comments:
Those early years of marriage are vital to a marriage.

Women working inside the home/outside the home - that's a decision that each family needs to make on their own. I don't think God said to women not to have a paying job. I think what he was saying is that family and home is our first priority.

Submission doesn't require a body to be a silent, blind follower. You can still have ideas, thoughts, opinions. And you submit to your husband #2 - after the Lord. I don't believe that God would have us submit and do something wrong. We honor God first and then husbands. And this was God-ordained.

Oh, so many things in the comments...lol.

Keep on going and being a light!

Anonymous said...

Seek professional counseling. As a licensed therapist, I think that would be your best starting point. It seems you owe it to yourself to work with someone trained to counsel you without doing harm. I pray you find answers and support that you need.

Anonymous said...

The " list" she provided are principles provided by God. Regardless of how many years one had been married, if each person worked hard to do all of these things, our marriages would be stronger. It does not require hardship or time to recognize the truths provided by a loving Heavenly Father and to know if we follow them, we will be happier.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Loved that you took the time to write this all down so simply! I'm 52 years old and have been married 32 years, it never gets old to hear the word of god through
different avenues instead of just your pastor. Thank you so much for taking the time and letting God move threw you, for you have touched a soul today!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi! I came across this blog through pinterest. And I love it! you have a beautiful family!

Natasha

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more with Shannon. Wisdom comes from GOD! Not age or experience. I can see a lot of attitude and hurt in some of these posts.

Jen F said...

Love everything you said, but I have one last thing to add. If you have children, stand United with your husband when he makes decisions regarding them. Whether it is discipline or whether or not to allow them to go to a particular friend's house. Even if you don't agree, you can discuss it later, but never in front of the kids, and if you decide together to make a change, he needs to implement it or the kid's will think they can play one parent off of the other. This goes both ways, and falls under submit a bit, but as parents we must be "one flesh" even when raising our children.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I married back in March. I'm so glad I came across this! Thsnks so much for sharing. More couples need to be like this.

eladebu said...

Rachel, I'm not sure if anyone else mentioned it, but the author did say she and her husband were only doing that for one counseling session. They didn't counsel the engaged couple the whole time, but rather for just one session in order to give their own insight at their point in marriage. I do understand why there might be a problem if they were counseling the entire time, but seeing as it was only one session, it seems like a really good idea.

Anonymous said...

I'm concerned about the point of keeping apperances for the husband. While I think no one should sit and binge eat. Your body changes after children, with age, and other factor such as sickness or medical problems. Your husband should love you for you and not your appearance. Since our marriage, I have put on about 20lbs due to children and medical problems, but my husband loves me more everyday.

Anonymous said...

Coming across this today was such a gift. My husband and I have been having rough time this last year. We got married, he deployed, and we had a baby all in a year. He was gone our entire first year of marriage and didn't return until our daughter was 6 months old. We have had a lot of differences over the last year because being apart has changed us both. We are both struggling but we haven't given up and we keep going. It's definitely a struggle but I hope this post will help me to be a better wife like my husband married and God wants me to be.

Anonymous said...

As soon as I saw God 1st and Mate 2nd, I knew this post wasn't for me. Good luck on your marriage, I'm almost to 20 years and it's all because I put my wife 1st.

Anonymous said...

"Rachel ~ Danielle was clearly coming from a stand of biblical truth. I'm not sure you understand that or possibly even really know it. No offense to you, of course. "

Wow. That so much more offensive than anything that Rachel wrote. She has an opinion and she is entitled to it. To say she's jaded or that she doesn't understand the "biblical truth" of the post is so arrogant and condescending. It makes my stomach hurt. I'm praying for all of you who judge Rachel.

Anonymous said...

I agree that we should not "mother" our husbands, but a wife is also supposed to have say in finances --> look at Proverbs 31. A wife is called to help her husband and her family, and if his spending is harming him or the family, then the wife should act. I don't think it would need to be nagging, but maybe having a serious conversation about why you are worried and how you believe the money could better serve your family. A wife doesn't have to just sit back and be silent.

Anonymous said...

I thank God everyday that I chose to finally talk bad about my ex-fiance when he was abusing me. I had always been taught growing up that as a Christian woman I would set the mood in the relationship, so if I was happy, he would be happy - if I forgave, he would forgive - if I loved, he would love. I worked hard to love him, encourage him, and pray for him, but he did nothing but berate me and physically abuse me (to the point of being admitted to a hospital). Danielle's advice is not completely sound in that aspect. Are Christian women supposed to keep their mouths shut about domestic abuse (because it is technically talking bad about their spouses)? Are we supposed to sit around and pray in our locked closets that maybe he will stop hitting us and seek God? I think that Danielle's advice is based in Biblical truths, but I just don't want to believe that God would want one of his children to be abused or killed by someone they so desperately tried to cover for and to love.

Corinne said...

Hi there

This was a wonderful post and I loved reading it. Even though I do not know you, your relationship, or how your marriage functions, I think it is great that you and your husband led these discussions. Teens will be more likely to listen to and respect things said by people who are closer to their age group. You may only have been married for three years but you seem to have the right ideas about how things should go. Every marriage is going to have different struggles, so it isn't necessarily going to be helpful for teenagers to hear advice from someone married 20+ years--it's completely unrelatable to them at this stage in their life. They need what you are giving them: key things to look for and think about when looking for a spouse and ideas of what to think about when seriously considering marriage.

I was wondering if you have written (or would consider writing) a post specifically on submission and what that really means for a godly wife. I would love to hear more about what you think this looks like inside and outside of the home.

You also make a great point that as wives we should never tear down our husbands in front of others. How would you suggest getting marital advice or talking through issues? Sometimes there are issues that improve or go away once we gain some perspective. For me, this often happens through prayer and by "talking it out" with a close friend. Do you think this would fall under the category of talking badly about our husbands? Without paying a counselor, how would you suggest we do this?

Thanks :)

Anonymous said...

I am interested that you feel that a wife should never correct her husband - I feel that honesty is so important in a relationship, and that in order for a relationship to be healthy, each needs to correct the other in any missteps they may be taking. Correction, if done correctly, is not nagging or being a mother - it's building the other person up through holding them accountable for their actions. I am sure there are many husbands out there who badly need to be corrected with their wives, but who are instead being constantly validated.

I am also surprised that you think that wanting things to be done for you is selfish and narcissistic.... shouldn't women be with a man who does things for them? This is not a huge task. Gosh... if we're both working hard all day, I don't think it's much to ask not to watch basketball. What about working towards compromise? I have not heard much about that in here.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I read this alone. Then to my fiancé. Amazing how God finds ways to bless us with what he wants us to hear. I am 29 with 3 children from a previous marriage. There father has been absent for 3 years. My fiancé 36, has a child from a previous relationship as well. This hits alot of points that we struggle with in trying to blend two young families into one. Very encouraging words. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Whatever anyone says, you are wonderful and strong.

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